To Find A Resolution
by Bunnylass
Summary: Book 5 in 'The Shock Of A Lifetime' series. Jesse's POV of all his encounters with Suze in 'Haunted'. Finished.
1. Chapter 1

**_Disclaimer:_** The Mediator belongs to Meg Cabot.

**_Rating:_** T

_**Summary: **_Jesse's POV of all his encounters and more with Suze in 'Haunted'. Story 5 of 'The Shock Of A Lifetime' series.

_**A/N: **_Well, book 5 already...where did that time go, lol. I had fun writing this. Some parts were deeper than others, but I'm quite happy with it. I hope you are too **:) **Thank you so much for the AMAZING response with the last story...totally blew me away, so thank you, thank you, thank you. And also for the lil one-shot/missing scene of 'May It Be'.

Enjoy...

_**Recap: **_Jake brings a couple of dinner guests home. One of which is not in the realm of the living. Causing a mini confrontation between Suze and Jesse...

* * *

**_To Find A Resolution..._**

I finally returned to Susannah's room after a period of absence that was longer than necessary. My reappearance was tense and awkward. Neither willing to speak first or break the silence. I found it difficult to meet Susannah's eyes. To see the deep hurt I had caused shimmering beneath the surface. I never found the courage to tell her how I really felt. To have spoken the words she needed to hear and I needed to speak. The feelings that were forever engraved in my heart and soul. Waiting to be set free without hindrance.

But the more I delayed going back, the more the doubts and the guilt had built inside me. The truth and reality of our situation was raw and open in my mind. Making me face the hard truth everywhere I looked. Every-time I would see another person other than Susannah or Father Dominic. I was reminded that the world had kept on living and I was just standing on the outskirts watching it go by. With no chance of being able to join in and give Susannah the life she should have. That I can't give her. I had fooled myself into thinking my love for her would be enough. But I knew now that it wasn't. She deserves more.

But the damage had already been done. I had already made a mistake and I knew it may have cost our friendship dearly.

The pain I felt for what I had done to Susannah was hot and undeniable. One I knew time may never clear and erase. A constant reminder of what I had for a split second. Of what I could of given and had all but destroyed. My return to Susannah's room was frightening and difficult. But I knew I owed it to Susannah to go back. To face her and at least apologize once again and hope we could still have a relative piece of what it was like before I had ruined it all. I didn't want to hurt Susannah anymore than I already had.

Even after a couple of weeks of putting my exorcism, Susannah's sacrifice and our soul shattering kiss behind us, the atmosphere between us was still quiet and palpable. Our conversations were stilted and vague. Our shared smiles were few and far between. She didn't spend as much time in her room as she had before. She would speak of her day but there was no enthusiasm in her voice when talking with me. No light in her eyes or bounce in her step. It was as though we were strangers again. Both stepping out into new territory neither felt comfortable in.

Often I would see her gazing out of her windows at the spectacular view in the distance. Her eyes distant and sparkling. Dreaming of a far off memory or vision. Each time I would wonder and hope she was thinking of our so short time together. When we both revelled in the love we shared and the perfect moment to follow. It always ignited a slither of determination in me to reach out to Susannah and tell her. To see the light that sparkles in her eyes, that only lasts for a split second to remain forever. To encompass her in my arms and my love.

But I always came back to reality with a painful ache. Each time took a little more of my resolve and control. Making the temptation much brighter and stubborn. Finding my fingers itching to touch her hair. My arms aching to hold her to me. My heart breaking a little more when I knew there was no way I could. Making my eyes sting and harden.

Those moments would follow with a hasty apology and my disappearance. To give myself time to clear my troubled mind and ease my torment. The fresh wave of anguish I would see in Susannah's eyes each time nearly making me return to her side again and take it away. But upon my return of my hasty absence, the evidence of her own discomfort would be gone. Carefully buried beneath anger and betrayal. Feelings she never allowed herself to show or speak to me with. But the affliction was always there. I always saw through her defence enough to see her heart was breaking just as painfully as my own.

The explanation and truth of why I have caused us both to suffer is clear and to the forefront of my mind. But never spoken to ease either of our sufferings. My belief that if we ignored it and accepted it wouldn't work, that over time Susannah would move on and be happy. That she would have the life she wants with someone who loves her. But with each day my beliefs were growing weaker and weaker.

I longed to see her anger with me to spring forth. To break the tense mould we had carved around ourselves. For her to yell and scream at me. To _make _me tell her why. But I knew it would never appear. That Susannah was too proud and stubborn to let her emotions overrule her mind. She had let it happen once before and she was left hurt because of it. I knew it wouldn't happen again. That now too much pain had been enforced and she was protecting herself. It would only leave her vulnerable and scared.

But still my heart longed for the release. For Susannah's.

The days and the weeks that followed there after progressed slowly and quietly. Our time together was short and sparse. But each night I would continue to sit on Susannah's window seat. Watching over and protecting Susannah. Spike by my side keeping me company. Helping to ease my burden and pain minutely. My senses were always alert and anxious. Waiting for the moment when Susannah would start to dream. For her nightmares to take hold of her again, just as they had each night. Waiting for her breathing to become erratic with fear. For her body to tremble in fright. Listening for the whimpers and cries soon to follow. My name sometimes whispered. The hope and plea in her voice always making me want to run to her side.

I could feel the panic flowing from her. Intensified to match my own as each night her nightmares would become more intense. Her fear becoming more apparent to the point when i could almost see a shadow of it in her eyes in waking life. Her exhaustion and fatigue pulling her down deeper. A constant shroud laid upon her shoulders.

But like some unwritten rule, the subject of her nightmares is never spoken. Her dreams never acknowledged. My own knowledge of them hidden away from Susannah. Concealed with my own hate and detest for the person who had ignited a fear so deep into Susannah, I regretted I hadn't done more than break his nose...

_Paul Slater._

I saw no need to speak of him and talk to Susannah about her troubled sleep. I knew she would never see him again. And I didn't wish to let Susannah become more vulnerable than she already was. So I didn't pursue it. Hoping time would do what it did best and heal her wounds. Content in the knowledge that Father Dominic was on hand to deal with any wayward spirits seeking Susannah's help for the time being. To give herself more of a chance to recover. To let Paul Slater and the shadowland become a distance memory.

I had believed this even when Susannah had returned home from school. Carrying the large book I had asked Father Dominic to loan me, "_Critical Theory Since Plato_". She was almost using the large thick book as a shield. Protecting herself from something or someone. She had an underlying tension coming from her that I knew had nothing to do with what had happened between us. This seemed to be coming from an outside influence. Something to do with school perhaps. Susannah's eyes were hooded and guarded from me. The sense that she was hiding something was strong and worrying. But I chose not to say anything. Believing it to be hypocritical of me to accuse Susannah of such things; when I was in fact doing the same.

I sat in Susannah's room with her for the rest of the afternoon, deeply engrossed in my loaned book. Susannah had been issued a large amount of schoolwork already and had uncharacteristically sat down to complete it. I caught her staring off into space every now and again with a troubled look upon her face, solidifying my belief that something was wrong. But I repeatedly tamped down on my urge to speak up and ask.

Even after everything that had happened, I still only wanted to see Susannah happy and to be a good friend to her. To be here for her no matter what.

She was soon pulled from her reverie to be called down for dinner. Leaving me in the desolate silence of her room, unable to feel the natural presence that always lingered behind after Susannah had left. The light atmosphere I so craved to feel surrounding me again, but unlikely to feel. With a dejected sigh I returned my attention back to my book in my lap and Spike by my side. Trying furtively to lose myself in the complicated text. To let it saturate my curiosity and desire to learn. To allow it to sweep away all that was troubling my thoughts.

But I was soon interrupted from my book by the banging of Susannah's bedroom door. Swiftly followed by said Mediator and a spirit guest close on her heels behind her.

_"Nombre de Dios," _I quickly exclaimed when I spotted the spirit around Jake's age waltz into the room with Susannah. Looking around him curious but bored before finally seeing me on the window seat. A look of complete surprise on his face. Spike quickly leapt to his feet arching his back hissing at the loud and abrupt incoming. Upon seeing it was Susannah and another spirit he quickly calmed down and settled beside me once again.

"Sorry about that," Susannah interjected once my gaze had slid back on to the boy beside her. Making quick introductions to us both. "Jesse, this is Craig. Craig, Jesse. You two should get along. Jesse's dead, too." She finished, closing the door behind her.

I scrutinised the boy now named as Craig, through narrowed eyes. Watching him take in my appearance from where I was sitting. His eyes wide with intrigue, obviously realizing how long it had been since I was alive. He seated himself down quite quickly on the edge of Susannah's bed, his fingers playing with the comforter beneath him. Still openly watching me.

"Are you a pirate?" Craig said, finally breaking the silence he had been in since he had walked through the door. His sincere tone laced with expectancy raised my ire slightly. I noticed Susannah putting a hand over her mouth trying to cover the small smile I saw trying to break through. On a normal day I would of relished in the action, but not today. Not with Craig sitting here with a new situation for Susannah. One I wanted nothing more than for her to hand over to someone else. That i knew she wasn't ready for.

"No," I replied tonelessly. "I'm not."

"Craig," Susannah said breaking me from my scrutiny of the boy with us, scowling slightly at the amusement I could read in her voice. My look didn't deter her though. It only served to make me relax slightly. It had felt like so long since I had seen Susannah smile around me. I felt the first stirrings of hope flare to life in my chest. "Really, you've got to think. There's got to be a reason why you are still hanging around here instead of off where you're supposed to be. What do you think that reason could be? What's holding you back?"

Craig finally roused from his open stare at my attire looked to Susannah to answer. Obviously continuing an earlier conversation that had passed between them. "I don't know," He said with a shrug. "Maybe the fact that I'm not supposed to be dead?"

"Okay," Susannah said, taking a deep breath to keep herself patient. I could see the faint traces of fatigue in her eyes already, making me hope this mediation wouldn't go on to long, for Susannah's sake. "I can certainly see why you might feel that way," She continued. "Was it sudden? I mean, you weren't sick or anything, were you?"

I watched slightly curious as Craig's expression turned to one of indignation at Susannah's enquiry. "Sick? Are you kidding me? I can bench two forty, and I run five miles every single day. Not to mention, I was on the NoCal crew team. And I won the Pebble Beach Yacht Club's catamaran race three years in a row."

"Oh," Susannah replied, not at all surprised to hear all that he had just told her. All of which I didn't understand. "So your death was accidental, then, I take it?"

"Damn straight it was accidental," Craig spoke, his eyes flashing and his finger stabbing the mattress beneath him to emphasise his point. "That storm came out of nowhere. Flipped us right over before I had a chance to adjust the sail. Pinned me under." His expression took on a far off look for a few seconds before being brought back to the present by Susannah.

"So..." Susannah said hesitantly, knowing the need to be delicate with some spirits and the circumstances around their deaths. Heather coming to mind. "You drowned?" But all she got in return was Craig shaking his head in frustration at our lack of being able to follow his thoughts. Or his explanation. It was a logical question and conclusion and one I had come to myself.

"It shouldn't have happened," Craig said, his body tense and his eyes looking to his shoes unseeingly. "It wasn't supposed to have been me. I was on my high school swim team. I was first in the district one year in freestyle." He raised his head to look at Susannah, his eyes searching hers for a recognition she nor I could see.

"I'm sorry," Susannah said gently. "I know it doesn't seem fair. But things will get better, I promise."

"Oh really?" Craig's docile voice was suddenly tainted with anger. His eyes pinning Susannah with a scathing look making her flinch underneath his gaze. I resisted the sudden need to speak up and tell him to stand down. But I didn't stop the scowl to appear on my face. "How? How are things going to get better? In case you haven't noticed, I'm _dead_."

Unwilling to sit back and watch Susannah get verbally berated I spoke up for the first time since Craig's pirate comment towards me. Noticing the grateful look Susannah shot me at having a reason to divert her attention from Craig's blistering gaze on her own. The same look that was making her uncomfortable and unnerved.

"She means things will get better for you when you've moved on," I said, speaking clearly and precisely. A dangerous undercurrent in my tone that Craig had not picked up on. More fool him.

"Oh, things will get better, will they?" He let out a laugh that sounded dry and bitter to my ears. "Like they have for you? Looks like you've been waiting around for a while, buddy. What's the holdup?"

Quickly resisting my eyes from travelling to Susannah - should Craig see and come to the natural conclusion on his own - I decided to not answer. To let him believe I had no clue. Because of course not even Susannah knew why I was still here. The truth I knew would only cause more problems to arise in the delicate and fragile balance hanging between Susannah and I. There was no need for her to find out. It wouldn't make any difference other than causing us both to suffer from more heartache.

So instead I sat matching Craig's defiant glare for a menacing one of my own.

"Jesse's situation is kind of unique," Susannah quickly interjected seeing the dark frown upon my face. Her tone was soothing and comforting to my ears replacing the bitter one of Craig's. "I'm sure yours is nowhere near as complicated."

"Damn straight," Craig said again, turning his stare back to Susannah. "Because I'm not even supposed to be here."

"Right," Susannah said her patience still holding out for the time being. "And I'm going to do my best to get you moving on to that next life of yours..." Her voice trailed off at seeing the frown Craig was wearing that spelled trouble and relentlessness. Making me raise my guard more and to be prepared in case I needed to step in. And soon.

"No," He said, his voice becoming low and quiet. "That's not what I meant. I mean I'm not supposed to be here. As in, I'm not supposed to be dead."

Susannah nodded at the apparent denial Craig was issuing. A practiced patience clear in her eyes and voice. "It's hard," She said. "I know it is. But eventually you'll adjust to the idea, I promise. And things will be better once we figure out what exactly is holding you back - " But before she had the opportunity to finish her sentence, Craig interrupted her.

"You don't get it," He said, shaking his head emphatically. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. What's holding me back is the fact that I'm not the one who's supposed to be dead." The last word was uttered pointedly and harshly.

"Well..." Susannah hesitated starting to sense the building anger and frustration in Craig. But not as powerfully as I could. I had had enough of his rude behaviour and attitude towards Susannah this evening. Towards someone who was trying to help him without personal gain on their part. "that may be. But there's nothing I can do about that."

"What do you mean?" Craig rose from his position sitting on the edge of Susannah's bed. His own voice rising in anger and his words punctuated with each furious breath. "What do you mean, there's nothing you can do about that? What am I doing here, then? I thought you said you could help me. I thought you said you were the mediator."

"I am," Susannah replied quite taken aback, looking to me with a hasty glance. I was slightly shocked at his sudden alarming presence filling the room with his anger. Fury that seemed to be worryingly directed at Susannah. "But I don't dictate who lives or dies. That's not up to me. It's not part of my job."

Looking at Susannah with no small amount of disgust upon his face, Craig gave a scathing reply. "Well, thanks for nothing, then." And started making for the bedroom door to leave.

My patience already worn thin for his disgusting behaviour towards Susannah this evening and his apparent lack of manners now, I stopped him in his intent exit. "You," I said, my tone commanding and dangerous making him halt where he stood. "Apologize to her." My eyes were black and narrowed waiting for him to do as I requested.

Turning his head to slowly look back at me, Craig said the wrong answer. "No freaking way."

Before he had even seen me move and before he could take a breath in anticipation, I was across the room and behind him in seconds. I grabbed his right arm, twisting it at an unnatural angle behind his back. Pushing him against the bedroom door hearing his quick intake of breath when I tightened my grip. Leaning heavily against him I demanded his apology again.

"Apologize." I hissed. "to the young lady. She is trying to do you a kindness. You do not turn your back on someone who is trying to do you a kindness." I could feel him tensing with each word. The slightest pressure I put on his arm was painful i knew. But still I didn't let up until he had done as I suggested.

"I'm sorry," He quickly said, his voice muffled against the wood of the door I had him pinned against.

"That's better," I replied releasing him from my hold and stepping back. Craig sagged against the door, devoid of any energy. I casted a quick look to Susannah seeing the look of surprise in her eyes at my actions. But I soon looked away to hide my embarrassment of being so defensive of the behaviour and respect shown towards her. Taking a further step backwards keeping my gaze on Craig.

"It's just," Craig said, his anger and frustration taken out of him after my painful encounter with him. "that it isn't fair, you know? It wasn't supposed to have been me. I was the one who should have lived. Not Neil."

Upon hearing the new piece of information, Susannah looked to Craig in surprise. "Oh? Neil was with you on the boat?"

"Catamaran," He quickly corrected her. "And yeah, of course he was."

"He was your sailing partner?" She asked.

Looking at Susannah with disgust again at the mere mention she proposed to him, he quickly turned it into a polite aversion with a quick scowl from me. Obviously keeping him self in check around me now. I was pleased to notice he was more careful of how he acted and spoke.

"Of course not," He said. "Do you think we'd have tipped if Neil had had the slightest clue what he was doing? By rights, _he's_ the one who should be dead. I don't know what Mom and Dad were thinking. _Take Neil out on the cat with you. You never take Neil out on the cat with you. _Well, I hope they're happy now. I took Neil out on the cat with me. And look where it got me. I'm dead. And my stupid brother is the one who lived."

I looked to Susannah as soon as Craig had finished, trying to decipher if she understood what he had just said. His words had only made a small bit of sense to me. But his anger of his injustice was clear to see. I could see a vague recollection on Susannah's face and an underlying look of pity. But I didn't think it was directed at Craig. To Neil perhaps. And the circumstances now unintentionally surrounding him.

Craig it was easy to decipher was mad because his brother had survived and he hadn't. He believed he was the one who should have lived because he was physically stronger. Because he had more experience. There was no gratefulness in his eyes that his brother was okay. That he had survived such a tragic accident. Instead there was only jealously and spite. Making my distaste for him grow slightly more.

"The guy couldn't swim to the other side of the pool," Craig persisted. "without having an asthma attack. How could he have clung to the side of a catamaran for seven hours, in ten-foot swells, before being rescued? How?" I had no answer to give to Craig that would sate his opinion.

"Maybe," Susannah tentatively suggested. "you got hit in the head."

"So what if i did?" Craig quickly exclaimed once again glaring at Susannah. Cementing her offhand comment to be the truth of his death. That Neil had done nothing wrong, but to of had the will to live and survive. "Freaking Neil - who couldn't do a chin-up to save his life - _he_ managed to hold on. Me, the guy with all the swimming trophies? Yeah, I'm the one who drowned. There's no justice in the world. And that's why I'm here, and Neil's downstairs eating freaking fajitas."

Finally understanding Craig's point and opinion, the dawning realization that maybe he was denying moving on until he had exacted his revenge entered my mind. Having encountered someone similar in the past with Susannah and who had turned out to be a very violent and difficult Spirit to deal with. I hoped that Craig wasn't going to be the same.

Unfortunately I voiced my thoughts to Craig, unaware that the possibility hadn't entered his mind or that he was aware that he was able to do such a thing. "Is it your plan, then, to avenge your death by taking your brother's life, as you feel yours was taken?" I solemnly asked.

"No way, man." Craig exclaimed quickly. And then the weight of my words seeped into his mind, bringing a new light and calculation into his eyes. "Could I even do that? I mean, kill someone? If I wanted to?" He asked looking between Susannah and myself.

"No," Susannah emphatically said the same time I tried to take back what I had spoken. Hoping it would make him see the bigger consequences of such foolish actions. "Yes, but you would be risking your immortal soul - "

"Cool," Craig murmured ignoring Susannah. Only latching on to what I had said before. He stared down at his hands before him. Hands that he could use to kill his own brother because I had regrettable put the idea there. I felt the guilt settle on my already trouble mind.

"No killing," Susannah said loudly trying to get Craig's attention. "There will be no fratricide. Not on my watch." Her words seemed to penetrate through to Craig's haze bringing him back to his current surroundings again thankfully.

"I'm not gonna kill him," He said surprised, looking up at Susannah.

Shaking my head at the boy before Susannah and myself, I turned my back on him walking over to the window seat to sit beside Spike again. Lazily reaching out to pet him. Watching the proceedings going on before me.

"Then what?" Susannah asked, shaking her head. "What's holding you back? Was there...I don't know. Something left unsaid between the two of you? Do you want me to say it to him for you? Whatever it is?"

Craig looked back at Susannah slightly shocked. "Neil?" He muttered. "Are you kidding me? I've got nothing to say to Neil. The guy's a tool. I mean, look at him, hanging around a guy like your brother."

I watched with interest at Susannah's retort and quick defence of her step-brother. One she would not have jumped to quite so quickly a few months ago when I had first known her. Her own dislike for her step-brothers had worn away over time. With the exception of Brad maybe.

"What's wrong with my brother?" She demanded. "I mean, my step-brother?"

"Well, nothing against him, really," Craig tried to take back, much to my amusement. Seeing the blazing look of fire in Susannah's eyes because he had offended someone in her family. Further evidence to her compassion and fierce protectiveness for the people she cares about. "But, you know...well. I mean, I know Neil's just a freshman and impressionable and all that, but I warned him, you can't get anywhere at NoCal unless you hang with the surfers."

"Okay," Susannah said her patience with Craig all but gone. She walked over to the door opening it for him to leave. "Well, it was great to meet you, Craig. You'll be hearing from me."

I had stood when Susannah had made a move to bid Craig his farewell. Eager to see him gone and to be able to talk with Susannah without having Craig around as a restriction.

"You mean you're going to try to bring me back to life?" He eagerly asked.

"No," Susannah tersely replied. "I mean, like, I'll determine why you are still here, and not where you're supposed to be."

"Right," Craig said. "Alive."

"I think she means in Heaven," I spoke up finally. Hoping to move the conversation along quicker so Craig would leave at last. "Or Hell." Craig looked back at me slightly scared. My words having the affect I was hoping they would.

"Oh," He said, raising his eyebrows in wonder. _"Oh."_

"Or your next life," Susannah said meaningfully in my direction. Our views on what happened once a Spirit had moved on had been a subject of debate between Susannah and myself for quite some time. "We don't really know. Do we, Jesse?"

I looked back at Susannah, reluctantly replying. "No. We don't." I could feel the stirrings of a smile edging at the corners of my lips at the familiar banter passing between Susannah and myself. The familiar ease we had around each other before my heartbreaking mistake. I soaked up the comforting feeling, storing it away. Hoping it was a sign that it could continue as such.

Craig had walked to the door, stopping to turn back and look at Susannah and I before leaving. "Well," He said. "See you around, I guess." I saw his reluctance to leave and fully understood. As rude and obtuse as his behaviour was, I knew how it felt to finally be noticed by someone. To be acknowledged. He may have been dead only a short while, but the feeling of loneliness is an almost instant darkness cast upon you. His reluctance was easy for me to empathise to.

He quickly glanced over at me. "And, um, I'm sorry about that Pirate remark. Really."

"That's all right." I gruffly returned. Nodding at his apology. And then he disappeared leaving Susannah and I alone. "Susannah, that boy is trouble. You must turn him over to Father Dominic." I exclaimed as soon as Craig had gone.

Closing her bedroom door again, Susannah heaved a weary sigh walking over to the seat I had just vacated. Spike making his displeasure at her arrival known as usual. She seated her self on the soft cushions casting a quick glance out of her window and to the ocean. Taking in the view through the darkness and breathing in the fresh breeze coming through her open window. Now Craig was no longer here, Susannah looked more dejected and exhausted than ususal.

"He'll be fine, Jesse." Susannah said trying to reassure me. "We'll keep an eye on him. He needs a little time is all. He just died, for crying out loud."

I shook my head at her denial. "He's going to try and kill his brother," I warned her.

"Well, yeah," She said looking up at my dark flashing eyes. Meeting the heated stare with one of her own. "Now that you put the idea in his head."

"You must call Father Dominic." I said, striding over to the phone on her bedside table and picking it up. Ignoring Susannah's quip. Well aware of what I had done. "Tell him he must meet with this boy, the brother, and warn him."

"Whoa," Susannah said placing her hands out in a placating gesture. "Slow down, Jesse. I can handle this without having to drag Father Dom into it."

"I think you should call him," I looked back at her sceptically. Still believing it to be too soon for her to being helping wayward spirits just yet. Not when her nightmares were still in full force and just as powerful. I pushed the phone at her again. "I am telling you, _querida_. There is more to this Craig than meets the eye."

I saw a quick flicker of hope pass through her eyes before it was overshadowed when I call her, _querida_. I had taken to not calling her that since that magical moment a couple of weeks ago. Trying to cut all ties with my affection and love for her. Finding my nickname for Susannah to be one of the hardest things to let go. How natural it is for me to say it without realizing. How perfect it fits her. I was confident she doesn't know what it means. My mind taking me back to one of the first times I had used it; She had protested to being called anything in Spanish. But it only enforced me to continue to do so.

I had missed saying it to her. At the eloquent way it flowed from my mouth. How perfect it felt to murmur the word that can mean so much. And it seemed Susannah had missed it just as much.

"You're overreacting, Jesse," Susannah said, pulling me from my thoughts. "Craig's not going to do anything to his brother. He loves the guy. He just doesn't seem to have remembered that yet. And, besides, even if he didn't - even if he did have homicidal intentions towards Neil - what makes you think all of a sudden that i can't handle it? I mean, come on, Jesse. It's not like I'm unaccustomed to bloodthirsty ghosts."

I slammed the phone back down on the cradle with more force than was necessary. But the thought of what Paul Slater had made Susannah go through and still is, made my blood boil. Making the knot of tension I feel in my stomach each time I think of him, rise to the surface. I could feel the dark look on my face before i saw it in Susannah's eyes.

"That was before." I quietly said shortly after, avoiding Susannah's emerald eyes burning with curiosity. My voice was low and nearly inaudible.

I could feel her gaze boring into me. "Before what?" She demanded. Her voice was tight and strained. Already knowing the answer but needing to hear it anyway.

"Before _he_ came," I said, lifting my eyes to meet her own defiantly. "And don't try to deny it, Susannah. You have not slept a full night since. I have seen you tossing and turning. You cry out in your sleep sometimes." I finally admitted. Hoping to make her see sense. That she wasn't ready. That she needed more time. To let me help.

"That's nothing," She rapidly answered. Her voice cracking slightly with the knowledge that I knew. Her eyes wavering from mine slightly with her hands curled tightly in her lap. Her whole body was tense and rigid. She cleared her throat before she tried speaking again. "I mean, I'm not saying I wasn't scared when you and I thought we were trapped in that...place. And, yeah, I have nightmares about it, sometimes. But I'll get over it, Jesse. I'm getting over it."

"You aren't invulnerable, Susannah," I said frowning at her obstinate. "However much you might think differently."

I saw the flicker of surprise cross her features before it was replaced by indifference and denial. "I'm fine." Susannah insisted. "I told you. I'm over it, Jesse. And even if I wasn't, it's not like it's going to keep me from helping Craig. Or Neil, really."

I ignored her futile attempts at trying to sway me. There was no conviction in her voice. "Let Father Dominic take this one," I said nodding towards the door Craig had just departed through. "You aren't ready yet. It's too soon."

Susannah hid her discomfort behind her sarcastic attitude. "Your solicitude," She said. "is appreciated but misplaced. I can handle Craig Jankow, Jesse."

Seeing that she wasn't taking me seriously and that I wasn't going to win that way. I tried a new tact. "I will go," I threatened, my dark eyes burning true. "and tell Father Dominic myself."

"Fine," Susannah said defiant. "Be my guest."

I set my jaw and scowled at her. "Fine, I will."

"Go ahead." She shot back.

With Susannah's last retort I took myself out of there. Away from the sad look in her eyes she was trying unsuccessfully to hide from me. Her surprise and alarm that I knew of her reluctance to admit she was still terrified. I was losing the argument I could see I was. Losing my resolve to not take her into my arms and tell her it was going to be okay. To let her release her fears and terror she has kept away from me since that frightening night not so long ago.

To make her see she doesn't have to be strong all the time. That I wouldn't think any different or love her any less for showing her fears to. To give her back the strength she has so graciously bestowed upon me for so long. I only wished to rid her of her dread and help her to see. I wanted to tell her everything then. To admit to us both that I was making a mistake trying to ignore my feelings.

I had to walk away before I caused the hurt and pain I have dealt to her, turns into hate. For all that I had done.

I found myself in the Mission Courtyard, pacing a wide berth between myself and the fountain. The soft trickling of water was a soothing comfort to my burning thoughts. But I could not shake off the feeling that there was something more underlying with Susannah. That what she was keeping hidden from me was important.

But the more worrying part, was that I didn't think I wanted to know. That it is something that is going to hurt me, more than what I have already done to myself.

Heaving a sigh I looked to the full moon above me, shining its beautiful ethereal glow down upon me. I only hoped now Susannah has the knowledge that I know of her nightmares, that it has helped to ease her burdens slightly. That she knows, I will always be here for her. Even if it hurts to never be by her side where I want to be...

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_**'Courage is not the absence of fear, but the presence of fear with the will to go on' **_...Unknown

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**_A/N 2:_** Grr, I had written this yesterday, but some of it didn't seem right when I went back over it, so I left it for today. I'm not completely happy with the ending, but I don't feel as though I can do more. I have no idea where I got the quote from, or who it is by, but I thought it tied in alright **:)** Thanks for reading, please review **:D**

**_Anonymous Reviews:_**

**_Meg - _**Lol, thank you so much for reviewing **;D **I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter, it was fun to write, hehe. I hope you continue to enjoy this story too **:) **Take care.

**_Satellite Falling - _**Thank you so much for reviewing 'May It Be'. It certainly came out a little more different than what I expected. But in a good way, lol. Thanks again, take care **:D**

_**Coming Up In Chapter 2: **_Jesse lends a hand to a injured Suze after she tries walking home to escape Paul Slater and his minions...


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer:**_ Please see first chapter for disclaimer.

**_Rating:_** T

_**A/N:**_Sorry it took me so long to update. I was planning on doing so sooner, but family drama got in the way. And still is. So I apologise if this isn't up to par. Or seems rushed.

Thank you so much for the fantastic response with the first chapter! It's always welcome and appreciated! Hugs to everyone! **:D** Okay, enjoys y'all!

_**Recap: **_Suze arrives home with mangled feet and Jesse puts his doctor and bedside manner skills to the test...

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**_Chapter 2..._**

I stayed in the Mission's courtyard longer than I had anticipated. Trying to shake off the excess annoyance and frustration with myself. Returning to my pacing for a short while, until eventually I grew tired of the motion and sitting myself on the bench by the fountain. My mind casting memories of a night that seemed so long ago now. Of Heather and Susannah's meeting here. The same night I had come forth to help her for the first time. Remembering how dangerous and perilous it had gotten. How mad Heather and scared Susannah had been. My own fear that Susannah would be hurt. How out of her depth she was coming to the school and infuriating Heather, like she had.

But I could still remember the rush of exhilaration I felt after, when Susannah was out safely. When our breathing and shock had gotten under control atlast and I was assaulted with the feeling of how alive I had felt. How touched I was that Susannah had worried for my own safety. Already feeling the first stirrings of something deep inside that night. At her concern and her touch. Already hoping and praying we would become good friends.

And we had.

We had built upon a friendship that had started out tremulous and unpredictable. Both finding ourselves in unfamiliar territory. Susannah was not used to having someone beside her to help and guide. To be there and protect her when she needed it. To be a listening ear of her worries and solutions to a problem she may have been having with a troubled spirit. She learnt to trust and accept me. Going beyond her instincts and opening herself to the possibility of having someone to help her. Sometimes begrudgingly, but soon without complaint.

I was getting used to having someone be able to see me. To have someone take an interest in my well-being, such as it is. To be able to talk and laugh with. To share my secrets and dreams. Looking to the future in stead of staying in the background of the present. To be able to touch and feel the warmth and emotions released in me from her. I had allowed my own defences to lower and to trust in Susannah. To believe in her and have patience. I gave her time to see the potential and talent in her extraordinary gifts bestowed upon her. I made Susannah a part of my life that was so important, I saw no escape. Or desire to let her.

We have both grown and learnt so much from either since that time long ago. Myself more than her perhaps. But we both had gained something from each other multiple times. We allowed ourselves to delve into a friendship so deep and powerful we hadn't seen it until it was too late. Too many times Susannah had had a close call with her own death. Too many times I would feel the sudden burn and ache when I would see or hear of a dangerous situation Susannah had found herself in.

Her own near sacrifice to save my soul being the most recent.

Our friendship had come a long way since our first meeting in her room. The day she had changed _everything_ for me. And I couldn't help but wonder if she knew just how much she had done. How much I have learnt from her. How much I have left to see and feel. To accept. I feel as if the emotions I feel for her know no bounds. That they could stretch on for eternity and I still wouldn't feel complete. That I would always have a part that was unfulfilled. And I couldn't help but wonder; if there would ever be anyway to fill that chasm within.

The friendship we had built and cherished - one I was starting to fear would never be retrieved and saved - had left me feeling just as empty and hollow, as the love I had accepted, acknowledged and denied myself. Making my own inner-torment fresh and just as painful each time I looked upon Susannah's face. When I would see the stubborn determination burning behind her emerald depths. Challenging me every time.

Recalling Susannah's tenacity had reminded me of her earlier behaviour with Craig. Her startled form, trembling slightly when he raised his voice and his ire. Her pale, drawn features looking pained and scared. Never having witnessed this kind of reaction from Susannah in regards to another spirit before. Craig's anger had been subdued compared to other spirits she had encountered. And Susannah's reaction was foreign and frightening. She had almost been a shadow of her former self. Hidden away to protect herself. As though her nightmares were bearing down on her.

She had seemed repressed and quiet when she had returned home from school. Troubled even. But I had not questioned it. I had left her be. But Craig's visit had seemed to take it's toll on Susannah a lot more, than it normally would have. When he had finally left Susannah and I alone, she had appeared almost empty. Drained and exhausted. As if the fight had been taken out of her. It was witnessing this display that had made me so worried. So nervous for her.

I had threatened to go to Father Dominic, but I never did. Not that night and not the next day. Part of me knew Susannah knew it was an empty threat. That I was bluffing. Susannah would never appreciate my seeking him out and going behind her back when it came to a spirit. But I had hoped it was enough of a warning to make her go to him herself at least. For all of Susannah's weak reassurance that she was fine, I knew otherwise.

Once I had returned to her bedroom again, she was sound asleep and in the throws of another terrifying nightmare. Only this one seemed worst than the rest. More powerful for her. She was shaking and shivering as if cold. The tossing and turning I had witnessed her do was more frantic and twisted. Her cries and whimpers were breaking my heart even more. Hearing the terror in her voice when she cried out, was felt deep down in my heart and soul. The urge to reach out and pull her from her deepest fears was close to uncontrollable.

But all I could do, was quietly hush her cries. To softly soothe her silent screams and whimpers. I hesitantly - afraid to wake her - reached out to wipe away the tears that were streaking down her pale heated cheeks. Smoothing her hair with my hand, feeling the silky strands through my calloused work roughened fingers. Within seconds she had relaxed at my touch. Her tears slowly stopping and her breathing receded to its normal rate. She quietly sighed at my hushed whispers, falling into a more natural and unrestrained sleep pattern.

I stayed by her side for a couple of minutes longer. Staying close just in case I told myself. Hoping Susannah wouldn't be aware of my interference. That it would go by unspoken. Just like many other moments between us as of late.

I eventually tore myself away from her now more relaxed and calm form. Leaving her to spend the rest of the night in a restful sleep. Hoping she would wake without the haunted look I would often see her in her eyes. That my touch had chased away her fears. At least for now. I turned to the soft window seat, taking Spike on to my lap. Letting my long fingers glide through his orange fur. His purring make me relax myself slightly. Happy to sit and keep watch over Susannah and my pet.

The next day had dawned bright and quickly. I made myself disappear just as Susannah was awakening. Just sticking around long enough to see for myself that she was okay. I looked for the shadow to pass through her eyes that had been a constant of late. But upon seeing nothing, I happily took myself away and left Susannah to her privacy and morning routine.

I spent the majority of the day outside. Deciding it was too nice to stay in. As much as I wanted to read the book Father Dominic had loaned me, the call of being in the beauteous sun was stronger. I sat on Susannah's porch roof outside her bedroom window watching the sun burn away the fog that always creeps upon us at night. Only to be swept away by the power of daylight. An endless cycle.

I patiently watched as the world came into focus around me. Hearing the wildlife go about their day along with everything else. Feeling the light wind sweep over my bare arms and face. Feeling it brush over the parts of my chest on display due to my shirt. I saw the leaves in the tree by Susannah's house sway and rustle with the breeze. Watching the sun-dappled light show being cast though the branches and leaves. Seeing the patterns and shadows cast upon me and the pine-needle covered tiles beneath me. Wishing the care-free act was supplemented by having Susannah here to share it with me.

Once I was sated watching the fog disperse before me, I took myself to the beach and stretch of sand I was finding quite happy to call my own. A place devoid of people. I sat upon a large dry piece of driftwood. Tracing my booted foot in the sand before me. Letting my mind absently draw whatever it wished too. Happy to just be enjoying the sun and peace. My mind drifted to my _querida_ often, but never lingered long. Only filling the empty silence with quiet peace. I took refuge in the sound of the gulls and tide. Observing the familiar sparkle of the calm sea before me.

Time was not on my side though. And I soon realized I should of been returning to Susannah's room. Expecting her to have been home long ago. But I was finding it increasingly difficult to tear my eyes away from the view before me. To leave the place of quiet and return to the tense atmosphere, I was sure to incase Susannah and myself upon my return.

But with one last sigh and smile to the display Heaven was granting me, I returned to Susannah.

She wasn't in her room when I arrived. There was evidence of her being here, but no sign of her. Until I heard the sounds of a bath running coming from the open doorway of Susannah's bathroom. I heard a gasp and a curse seconds after the water had stopped. The words laced with pain and annoyance. Curious I went to investigate and see what was wrong. Knowing she would have closed and locked the door for privacy if I had anything to worry about.

But what I found before me, made me curse a word I saw Susannah blush from, even though she didn't understand. "_Querida_, what have you done to yourself?" I asked, striding up to the side of the bathtub Susannah was sitting on, with her feet submerged before her. I looked down to get a proper look at the soles of her feet. From my position by the door they look horrendous! I had seen worse, but with today's modern medicine and such, I never expected to see Susannah's in such poor condition as they were right now.

"New shoes," Susannah quickly answered. I didn't fail to pick up on the quick answer and lack of explanation as to how she got what looked like _burn blisters_ on her soles. She must have walked quite the distance in bare feet to have caused such a reaction and cause. Not to mention the pain she must have had to endure either. I inwardly cringed at the thought.

"You did that to yourself on _purpose_?" I exclaimed, even more horrified to think she would do such a thing. I would have thought she would have broke her shoes in first before wearing them for such lengths of time.

"Well," she replied hesitant and sheepishly. "Not exactly. It's just that they were new shoes, and they gave me blisters and then...and then I missed my ride home, and I had to walk, and my shoes hurt so much I took them off, and I guess the pavement was hot from the sun, since I burned the bottoms of my feet - "

Sitting beside Susannah on the edge of the bath, I cut her off from her rapid explanation that seemed to be trying to persuade herself more than me. "Let me see." I requested.

Susannah hesitated again, trying to decide whether to put aside her embarrassment or not and show me her disbelieving feet. I narrowed my eyes at her, letting her know I wasn't going anywhere until she did as I asked. I knew they needed looking over properly and to be treated.

Finally relenting Susannah rolled her eyes at me. "You want to see them? Fine. Knock yourself out." And then she pulled her right foot out of the water, letting the trickles run down her foot, softly dropping back into the water again. I gently took hold of her foot in my hands, making sure not to touch any of the blisters. There wasn't much of her foot that wasn't covered in swelling and angry red bubbles. She had done the right thing to soak them straight away. Now her feet were clean, I could see the damage wasn't as bad as it could have been.

"Let me see the other one." I requested letting go of her foot and taking her left in my hands again. I examined that one just as thoroughly, noting the same effect. Suppressing the need to shake my head at her and her own self-inflicted pain.

Once I had finished I let go of her foot and leaned back and looked at Susannah. I gave her a good look too, noting her pale features again. Tension was just coiling beneath the surface, causing her to look tired and agitated. I wondered if it had anything to do with what she had just put herself through, or what she was hiding from me.

"Well, I have seen worse...but barely." I honestly told her, noting the very shocked look upon her face. Making her eyes shine and sparkle.

"You've seen feet that looked worse than _this_?" She cried, herself now horrified. "_Where_?"

"I had sisters remember?" I said trying to withhold the smile threatening to appear at her disbelief. Unfortunately I didn't manage to keep it from showing in my dark eyes. If her own suspicious look that appeared in her own were any indication. "Occasionally they got new shoes, with similar results."

"I'll never walk again, will I?" She asked, looking down sorrowfully at her mangled feet within the water.

"You will," I reassured her. "Just not for a day or two. Those burns look very painful. They'll need butter." I said, remembering that to be what was used on my sisters' own ravaged feet from their shoes. It was an effective way to cool and soothe them. I didn't think twice about recommending this to Susannah. Remembering too late of the medicines they have today that were better. The memory of when she had gotten Poison Oak came to my mind unbidden.

"Butter?" Susannah echoed wrinkling her nose in disgust.

"The best treatment for burns like those is butter." I explained.

"Uh," She replied. "Maybe back in 1850. Now we tend to rely on the healing power of Neosporin. There's a tube of it in my medicine cabinet behind you."

I got up to collect the treatment cream Susannah asked me to retrieve for her, collecting bandages - or Band-Aids Susannah called them - and returning to her side at the bath. I gently retook each one of her feet in my hands, applying the cream liberally to the blisters on her soles. Making sure there was enough to soak in, so they wouldn't dry out. That would only cause her more pain should it happen.

Making sure to take care of cream, I applied the Band-Aids soon after. The bottoms of her feet were completely covered, making sure not to leave anyone unattended. Susannah didn't flinch or squirm while I was tending to her wounds. I suspected they had gone numb anyway, but I was surprised to see her stand on her feet soon after I had finished.

"That's enough of that," I quickly said, seeing the wonder on Susannah's face as she stood looking down at her bandaged feet. I swiftly swept her up into my arms effortlessly, taking her off of her already sore feet. I quickly noted how comfortable she felt in my arms as I carried her to her room to save her walking. I ignored the flush suddenly appear on Susannah's face. And pushed aside the familiar warmth and tingle I receive when being in contact with Susannah.

The memory of the last time I had held her so close instantly assaulted me, following the sensations thrumming through my being. Of the soul shattering kiss we had shared in this very room. Of the rush of love I had felt for her, still burning brightly within me now, but more potent and powerful in that magickal moment.

Suddenly aware of my own rapid thoughts and emtions, I quickly and unceremoniously dumped Susannah on her bed. A little more forcefully than was necesassary as she bounced and nearly rolled off. I swfitly strode over to her window seat and my loaned book. Hoping the temptation would be ridden from my eyes by the time I turned back to Susannah.

"Thanks." She sarcastically said once she had gotten herself situated in the centre of her bed and more secure.

"Not a problem," I cheerfully answered, raising my eyes to Susannah's with a playful glint. "Would you like a book or something? Your homework, maybe? Or I could read to you - " I lifted _Critical Theory Since Plato_ for Susannah to see. Mischief making my face break out into a grin.

"No," She hastily replied, all traces of sarcasm gone once she caught on. "Homework is fine. Just hand me my book bad, thanks." I chuckled lightly at her quick answer, delivering to her the bag she had requested for.

Once Susannah was comfortable situated doing her homework, I returned back to my book. We spent a while in an easy silence, Susannah lost in her schoolwork and myself in my book. The only disturbance we had was Spike making himself known as he always did. The thump on the porch roof, followed by his deep rumbling greeting. I welcomed him enthusiastically and Susannah threw him a reproachful look. But I knew she secretly wished Spike was friendlier to her. She had mentioned he was quite affectionate with her when I had been gone for that short time, that seemed like eternity. Unfortunately once I had returned, his affections had quickly left Susannah and returned back to me. I knew Susannah missed it. Not that she would ever admit to it.

Not long after Susannah's step-dad shouted for her to go down to dinner. Susannah of course couldn't walk anywhere, with or without my help so stayed where she was until someone got inpatient enough to come up and retrieve her. It was David who came. Knocking gently on the door, Susannah called him in. He comically opened his mouth to repeat it was time for dinner when he took one look at Susannah's bandaged feet. His eyes widened in shock and quickly took off running back out of her room, without so much as a backwards glance.

Susannah cringed at the inevitable visit from her mother, who was just as swift to be unsympathetic to Susannah's pain. I quickly smiled at Susannah with compassion and took myself away so they had some privacy. I knew Susannah would be feeling worse once her mother was through with giving her a lecture and would need something to cheer her up.

With that though in mind, I went to her mothers and step-dads room to look for the item I knew would make Susannah smile. Finding what I was searching for, I returned to Susannah's room in time to hear her quick remark and her Mothers answer.

"You know what I probably need," She coyly said. "Some magazines and a six-pack of Diet Coke and one of those really big Crunch bars."

"Don't push it, young lady," Her mother severely said. "You are not going to loll around in bed all day tomorrow like some kind of injured ballerina. I am going to call Mr. Warden tonight and make sure he gets you all of your homework. And I have to say Susie, I am very disappointed in you. You are too old for this kind of nonsense. You could have called me at the station, you know. I would have come out to get you."

Susannah didn't say anything in reply, only hung her head in a guilty gesture. I felt my suspicions raise a little more. Ones that had been trying to make themselves known since yesterday. An emotion I refused to speak of and voice aloud in question. I didn't wish to upset and make Susannah think I was questioning her trust. I knew she would have good reason to not tell me of what was troubling her.

But that thought failed to tamp down the apprehension I was feeling.

Her mother and step-dad left minutes after her mothers last retort and we could hear Andy quietly speaking. "Don't you think you were a little hard on her? I think she learned her lesson."

"No, I do not think I was too hard on her. She'll be leaving for college in two years, Andy, and living on her own. If this is an example of the kinds of decisions she'll be making then, I shudder to think what lies ahead. In fact, I'm thinking we should cancel our plans to go away Friday night." She didn't try to keep her voice down low. She meant for Susannah to hear her.

"Not on your life," Andy quickly replied emphatically.

"But - "

"No buts," Andy continued, cutting Susannah's mother off. "We're going."

And then I made myself known to Susannah, sneaking the magazine I had procured for her safely underneath Father Dominic's book. I didn't bother to hide the smile I felt appearing on my face after hearing everything just said.

"It isn't funny," Susannah said, pouting slightly at my amusement.

"It's a little funny." I said, my smile breaking out into a full grin.

"No," Susannah stubbornly replied. "It isn't."

"I think," I said, picking up my large loaned book again, keeping the magazine hidden behind the pages so Susannah couldn't see. Mischief dancing in my eyes again. "it's time for a little reading out loud."

"No," Susannah groaned instantly, slumping down into her pillows. "Not _Critical Theory Since Plato. _Please, I am begging you. It's not fair, I can't even run away."

"I know," I said, knowing there was a wicked twinkle in my eye at the relaxed easy banter sparring between us. "At last I have you where I want you..."

I saw Susannah's face flush quickly at my comment before being replaced with indifference. "Ha-ha," She retorted, avoiding my eyes and still pouting slightly. Deciding to put her out of her misery, I held up the magazine of _Cosmo_ for her. The item I had retrieved from her mother's room while she was lecturing Susannah. The look of gratitude and happiness to instantly appear on Susannah's face when she saw it, was worth the trouble and the teasing.

"I borrowed it from your mother's room. She won't miss it for a while." I said, smiling in satisfaction at Susannah's reaction. I threw it on to the bed for her. Her sincere smile of thanks and the light in her eyes was all I needed in return.

With the hope that maybe things were going to get back to normal quicker than I had thought. That maybe Susannah and I could have what we had before still. The kind of friendship some people never get to experience for themselves. That I had taken for granted. But now, I hoped and it seemed I may have been granted a second chance. A second chance to be the one step closer to the happiest I could be. The first being to be able to openly express to Susannah my love for her. Without fear.

I spent the rest of the evening basking in the warmth and acknowledgement of this realization. Looking up to Susannah every now and again. The smile I normally kept away always fleeting on the edge. The happiest and most relaxed I had been in so long.

If only I had of known what was soon to befall me...

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**_A/N 2: _**Okay gals, raise your hand if you've ever brought new shoes that were super hot, and you didn't break them in?! Yeah...me too, lol. Unfortunately it still doesn't stop me **_._** Thanks for reading, please review. Peace!

**_Anonymous Reviews:_**

**_Meg - _**Thank you so much for sticking by this series! I always look forward to reading the feedback you give**:)** I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter, I hope you like this one too **:)** Keep rocking! Take care.

**_Jazzy -_** Okay, first of all...awesome name! Its snazzyjazzyliciousnessosity! And thank you so much for reviewing. I'm honoured your enjoying the series so much to carry on reading them **:D **And thank you for the encouragement. It's always a boost to know I'm still keeping true to Jesse's character **:)** I hope you continue to enjoy these, and thanks again for taking the time to review. You rocks! **:D** Take care.

_**Coming In Chapter 3: **_Suze asks Jesse to keep an eye out for Craig, and finds out exactly what she's been hiding from him. Or more specifically...who...


	3. Chapter 3

**_Disclaimer:_** Please see first chapter for disclaimer.

**_Rating_**: T

**_A/N: _**Hi! Sorry I didn't update soon, I was going over the other stories. Long arduous work, lol. But it's all done now anyway. Here's Chapter 3 for ya, ready and waiting **:D** And thank you as always for the **raving** enthusiasm so far **:)**

Enjoy...

**_Recap: _**The truth comes out about Paul, leaving Suze with a very angry Jesse. And CeeCee and Adam interrupt a moment that leads to bigger consequences...

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_**Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal . . . -** Unkown_

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**_Chapter 3..._**

Susannah and I spent the rest of the evening enjoying each others company for the short time. I had tried numerous times to find out how she came to be in the predicament to have hurt herself so badly, but I was never really given a straight answer. Just a mumbled excuse and a slight blush marring her face. Each time I narrowed my eyes in suspicion but never pursued it.

Instead deciding to enjoy the time we had together. Relaxing in her company. I knew her feet must have been uncomfortable, they certainly looked to be. Her mother came up to wish her goodnight and had left with a frown and unsympathetic shake of her head. David had popped in to see if she needed anything, but was soon dismissed. Jake and Brad didn't even grant her with their presence. Not that Susannah seemed to be particularly bothered by this fact when I brought it up.

I had noticed the differences of her interaction with her three step-brothers. Jake - to a certain degree - asked after her wellfare more often than he had done in the past. I knew Susannah was a little blindsided by his attention, but casually accepted it as she did most of everthing else. David I noticed looked up to Susannah a lot in the beginning of her move here. Often trailing behind her, peppering her with questions. Susannah was as nice as she could be, considering the new development of a new family and home. They had grown quite close with over the months since she had arrived.

Over time, David had come into his own. He was often off doing different things, asserting his independence and maturity. He was no longer the scrawny young boy, always eager to learn and help. Now it was easy to see what kind of young man he was going to grow into. The kind of person he would become. I knew Susannah missed his enthusiasm a little, but was otherwise very supportive with David. Granting him the big sister, he has always wanted.

Brad on the other hand, still ignored Susannah's presence. Only speaking with her when needed and often quite rude then. He huffed and puffed his way around the house. His own immaturity was painfully obvious with the verbal tirade he would find himself in with Susannah. More often than not, he would be the one to come out of it embarrassed and frustrated.

But he had also learnt to toughen up around Susannah. Now knowing she wouldn't hesitate to sucker punch him, or to wipe his idiotic sneer from his face. It was a battle of wills and wit when they were together. Brad's own inner mission to bring Susannah down to his level. To belittle her and intimidate. Two things Susannah did not fall for easily. I found it amusing sometimes, to watch them together. Susannah on the other hand, had been becoming more and more irritated with Brad. I knew there was going to be a catalyst soon. If it hadn't already of happened of course.

But secretly - deep down where I would never tell or voice to Susannah - I thought that Brad respected Susannah. That in his own heart and mind, he respected her tenacity and unwillingness to be anyones fool. That she stood up for what she believed in. In the amount of value people paid her. How comfotable she was in her place in the world. Of her confidence to stand up to him. A refreshing change to him, I'm sure.

I never dared to speak this to Susannah, knowing she would laugh and scoff at the mere idea. But I hoped one day, Brad and Susannah would have an amicable friendship. That they could put their petty squabbles behind them. Maybe when Brad has matured enough to see it, but I still hoped one day for it to be true.

Susannah had brought me out of my musings of her relationship with her three-brothers, to send me on a small task. Asking me to watch for Craig while she couldn't. To stay back as a silent observer incase he had decided to make a move to harm his brother. I silently wondered if she had been aware of my thoughts and nearly chuckled at the idea.

So for the better part of the night and the morning, I trailed around behind Craig. Watching and waiting should he suddenly decide to make a bad move towards his unsuspecting brother. It was tedious and boring work, but one that needed to be done none the less. I trailed him as he went about, appearing to not be able to stay still. Sometimes watching his brother from afar, sometimes pretending to join in with a conversation his brother would be having with one of his friends. Trying to pretend he wasn't noticed and not dead.

I stayed silent from my hidden position, knowing he was only making his time here more difficult than was necessary. I didn't feel any anger from him. I felt nothing. As though he was numb and devoid of emotion. I wasn't sure how long that was going to last, but judging from Susannah's reaction when she spoke of his attempt on his brothers life with his car, that incident had shaken him up. That it had suddenly become more real. More vivid what he was trying to do.

I hoped that would mean he wouldn't be making anymore attempts on his brothers life for a while. At least until the numb and shock wore off and his thirst returned. Hopefully Susannah and Father Dominic would have found a solution and a way to help Craig. Because the more his attempts failed, the more creative he would become I feared.

I followed Craig back to his parents home around midday. Deciding to leave him for a short while to check up on Susannah. Content that he wouldn't try anything just yet. I knew Susannah's bandages would need changing and readdressed. If Susannah was to be back upon her feet as soon as she liked, they needed treating again to brush off the risk of infection.

I appeared beside her bed, making her jump slightly at my re-appearance. I had seemed to of pulled her out of a silent daydream and received a glare for my actions. I simply smiled in return, not fazed nor worried of any threat behind the empty frown. I was tending to the mangled soles of her feet when she had recieved a call from her friend. Who was bellowing down the phone so loud, I could it hear it from my position at the end of her bed, readdressing the band-aids.

She had held the phone away from her ear in earnest, her friends voice reverberating in the space between us. I only managed to make sense of a few of the words she was saying, but I knew she was angry. And judging by the indifferent and slightly chagrined look on Susannah's face during the nearly onesided conversation, she wasn't too bothered.

"Well," She said once she had gently replaced the receiver. "She's mad."

"It sounded like it," I commented. "Who is this new person, the one running against you, who she is so afraid will win?"

"Oh, just this new guy." She had mumbled evasively, picking her reading material back up and putting an end to our conversation.

I had finished tending to her feet by then, so I silently observed Susannah through narrowed eyes. Observing her tense form and dull eyes. Her hands were gripping onto her magazine so tightly, her knuckles were turning white. My suspicions were flashing through my mind instantly. Taunting and mocking me.

Had I of known they were right only mere hours later, I would have cut through Susannah's evasive and distant behaviour, to demand the truth from her then. Trying to convince myself it would have hurt less then. That the pain wouldn't have been so raw. A silent part of my mind giving me the chance and the option to tell Susannah my own truth. To have spared us both the pain and affliction to both our hearts.

But fate can be cruel. And judging from the large bouquet of red roses to walk through Susannah's bedroom door, so can love.

I had returned to see Susannah and to give her an update on the situation with Craig, as it stands. Standing beside her bed, I looked up the same time Susannah did when David knocked.

"Suze? Something just came for you." His voice sounded muffled through the door, more than usual.

"Oh, come on in." She called in return. David fumbled with the door knob for a second before throwing open the door. Susannah and I were instantly assaulted with the image of David hidden behind a large bouquet of red roses. There was at least two dozen sitting in the vase he was holding. Some fully flowered and beautiful, some still only a bud. The arrangement was very well presented.

"Whoa," Susannah exclaimed sitting upright in bed looking at the display before us.

"Yeah," David replied. "Where should I put 'em?"

"Oh," Susannah stuttered, quickly looking to me and seeing my own look of complete astonishment. I couldn't tear my eyes away from them. "Window seat is good."

David cautiously walked over to the seat in question and slowly lowered the vase to the cushions. Pushing some out of the way to make the room. He finally stood back up straight and plucked the small white envelope nestled between the roses. Handing it to Susannah. "Here's the card."

"Thanks," Susannah said distracted. She ripped the small envelope open and pulled the small card with bold, black script out to read its contents.

As soon as I saw the words written upon it I felt my suspicions and anger dance before my mind. The words scrawled before my eyes, burning my vision and tainting it with a bright red haze. Not unlike the colours of the roses to Susannah. His bold words were slithering around my anger, intensifying it and making it stand larger and brighter. Whispering through the suspicion and laughing at the foolishness I felt.

"Is that from that Paul guy? I thought so. He was asking me all these questions about why you weren't in school today." David innocently supplied me. Unaware of the hate and fury coursing through my veins. His own speech punctuating my emotions. I felt the sneer and malice appear on my face, the same time I clenched my hands into fists at my side. My arms shaking with the effort to not swing my arm out and destroy his words and his flowers.

The roses I had once thought to be beautiful, now shrivelled into black dead weeds before me. I pursed my lips together to stop the explenitive escaping my mouth.

"Um," Susannah quietly answered, still not raising her head from the card clutched in her hand. "Yeah."

"What does he want you to forgive him for?" David continued, oblivious to the tense crackling atmosphere slowly building to surround us all. "The whole vice president thing?"

"Um," She replied again. "I don't know."

"Because you know, your campaign is really in trouble," David prattled on. "No offense, but Kelly's handing out candy bars. You better come up with something gimmicky fast, or you might lose the election."

"Thanks, David," Susannah said in a firm voice. "Bye, David." She raised her head to look at him. Telling him to leave without saying a word. Seeming to catch on that there may have been another presence, he quickly looked around the room as if he could see me. "Okay, bye." He rushed out, turning an interesting shade of red and escaped her bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Finally alone, Susannah turned to me. "Look, it's not what you. . ." She trailed off. Seeing the thunder and muderous look upon my face. My hands were still shaking and the crimson haze had not abated. I knew my expression must have been dangerous and deadly, but I couldn't summon the energy to care or remove it.

"Susannah," I said, my voice was like distant thunder. Rumbling deep in my throat. The nearest thing to a growl I had ever murmured. I hadn't even felt this mad when I had come face to face with my murderer. This was worse . . . deeper. "What is this?"

I saw a flash of her own anger spark through her eyes, coupled with something else. But it was gone as soon as it appeared. But I saw it none the less.

"Jesse," She said, trying furtively to inject her voice with some semblance of control. "Look. I was going to tell you. I just forgot - "

"Tell me what?" I questioned, raising my scarred eyebrow in empathise. "Paul Slater is back in Carmel, and you don't tell me?" I could taste the bitter acid on my tongue when I said his name. My tone was dripping with venom for all that he had made Susannah go through. Shocked she would withhold such _important_ information from me for so long. Knowing I was going to find out eventually. Annoyance she would try and cover it up. The sudden knowing of why she was so skittish when she returned home from school that first day. At the power of her nightmares the last few nights. The secrets and half truths swarming around her.

"He isn't going to try and exorcise you again, Jesse," She hastily reassured me. As if that was what had made me so livid. "He knows he'd never get away with it, not while I'm around - "

"I don't care about that," I scorned. "It's you he left for dead, remember? And this person is going to your school now? What does Father Dominic have to say about this?"

Susannah heaved a deep breath, leaving me anticipating her next words. "Father Dominic thinks we should give him another chance. He - "

I cut Susannah off, not wanting to hear anymore. Of the thought of giving _Paul Slater _a chance to redeem himself. Of getting closer to Susannah, only to hurt her again. Or worse. I started pacing her floor, running my hands through my hair in frustration, muttering Spanish curse after curse. All in _his_ name.

"Look, Jesse," She tried again. "This is exactly why I didn't tell you. I knew you were going to fly off the handle like this - "

I spun around to face Susannah. "Fly off the handle?" I repeated, looking at her incredulously. "Susannah he tried to kill you!"

She shook her head in dismissal of the truth. "He says he didn't, Jesse," Susannah reiterated. "He says . . . Paul says I would have found my way out of there on my own. He says something about there being these people called Shifters, and that I'm one of them. He says they're different from mediators, that instead of just being able to, you know, see and speak with the dead, shifters can move freely through the realm of the dead, as well . . ."

Susannah trailed off again, noticing my unimpressed look. Her words did nothing to dampen my anger, instead acting as fuel, making it ignite hotter and hotter. I was disgusted to notice she had been spending an inordinate amount of time with him. That instead of staying away from him, as I would have expected her too. For her common sense to have kicked in and to see the danger she was in. She only ran to him instead. Playing right into his little game of ruining her life.

"It sounds as if you and he have been doing a lot of talking lately." I spoke. I wasn't afraid to admit the jealousy rearing it's ugly head at her words. Of the attention and time he had with Susannah. Time undeserving to him.

Susannah only shrugged at my words. "What am I supposed to do, Jesse? I mean, he goes to my school now. I can't just ignore him." She said. I still wasn't convinced though. The truth had finally been spoken. But the nagging fear that there was still something more, would not leave me. "Besides, he seems to know stuff. Mediator stuff. Stuff Father Dominic doesn't know, maybe hasn't even dreamed of . . ."

"Oh, and I'm certain Slater is only too happy to share all he knows with you," I replied, sarcasm dripping with each word.

"Well, of course he is, Jesse," She continued. "I mean, after all, we both have this sort of unusual gift . . ."

"And he was always so eager to share information about that gift with the other mediators of his acquaintance," I supplied to her. He could easily of gotten in contact with Father Dominic the first time he was here. If he was so keen to share his _knowledge. _And he had left his young brother to wrestle and live in fear of his own gift. Never deigning to share his wisdom with Jack either.

No, Paul Slater is selfish and arrogant. He only does something to benefit himself. Now I had given Susannah something to think about.

"Look," Susannah tried again. "You're overreacting. Paul's a jerk, it's true, and I wouldn't trust him farther than I could throw him. But I really don't think he's out to get me. Or you."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. But Susannah's naivete to the whole situation was bordering on dangerous. The sound was emotionless and dull. "Oh, it's not me I think he's out to get, _querida_. I am not the one he's sending roses to."

Glancing at the roses on the window seat, Susannah heaved a sigh. "Well," She said blushing. "Yes. I can see your point. But I think he only sent those because he really does feel bad about what he did."

Turning back to me, she tried to make me see her point. A useless effort. "I mean, he doesn't have anyone," She went on. "He really doesn't. I think . . . Jesse, I honestly think part of Paul's problem is that he's really, really lonely. And he doesn't know what to do about it, because no one ever taught him, you know, how to act like a decent human being."

I took in all of what Susannah had said, but discarded it as soon as she finished. Not believing her words in regards to Slater. Refusing to shred any kind of sympathy, pity or solace to him. Finding him undeserving of my thoughts and time.

"Well for someone who doesn't know how to act like a decent human being," I said, walking over to the roses and flicking one of the thick red buds. "he is certainly doing a good imitation of how one might behave. One who happens to be in love." I concluded quietly, looking to Susannah and seeing the bright blush cover her cheeks. Making her glow.

"Paul is not in love with me," Susannah dismissed, avoiding my penetrating gaze. "Believe me." Looking down to her hands in her lap, still holding his card, she continued. "And even if he were, he sure isn't now . . ."

"Oh, really?" I challenged, nodding down at the card. "I think his use of the word _love_ - not _sincerely_ or _cordially_ or _truly yours_ - would indicate otherwise, would it not? And what do you mean, if he were, he isn't now?" I narrowed my eyes at Susannah in question. Trying to see into her eyes and the blessed truth. "Susannah, did something . . . happen between the two of you? Something you aren't telling me?"

"No," She said to the bedspread, letting her hair cover her face. "Of course not."

I quietly walked over to her bed until I was standing beside it. Letting my expression soften upon looking at her. For my anger to dissipate and clear.

"Susannah," I spoke, making her look up at me again.

Slowly I leaned down to pick up one of her hands in my own. Cradling it gently in both of my own. Revelling in the smooth touch of her palm atop my own. Letting the tenderness I had been resolutely keeping at bay since our kiss to come forth. Releasing some of it to seep back into my eyes and my touch. Wanting to ease and comfort her. To start again without the anger and him.

"Susannah," I said again, my tone devoid of its fury and rage. Replaced with a gentle murmur. "Listen to me. I'm not angry. Not with you. If there's something . . . anything . . . you want to tell me, you can."

She shook her head resolutely at me. Her hair whipping her cheeks with the force. "No," She answered. "I told you. Nothing happened. Nothing at all."

I ever so gently started stroking my thumb over the back of her hand. Feeling her relax with my caress. I let my calloused hand glide over the smooth texture of her own, looking down upon it in wonder and adoration. Feeling my heart swell at the minute contact and feel. Bringing my gaze back up to Susannah's, I felt rather than heard her take a breath. Her eyes staring back at me wide and vulnerable. A flicker of hope and dream in her eyes. Looking back at me with her own affection.

I could feel my arms aching to hold her. To sweep her into my embrace. To tell her what I longed to say. What I knew would make everything change. To see the open emotions on display to me, to last forever.

"You know, Jesse," Susannah whispered, breaking the silence between us and looking back down my hands holding her own. "If there's anything you want to tell _me_, you can. I mean, feel free."

Susannah's quiet question was so full of faith, it infused me. When she returned her gaze to my own, it took my breath away. I saw something pass from hers, to my own. A spark, a touch, an emotion. Almost like a physical nudge, spurring me to say what was on the tip of my tongue. Waiting with bated breath for me to ease our pain and accept and indulge in our love.

For the longest moment Susannah and I held eyes. Neither looking away, neither backing down. I felt my love for her rise to the surface on a swell. Building and growing. I didn't stop it. I let it come, to sweep me up in the emotion, the joy and the freedom that came with it's anticipated release. I dismissed the worry and fear at what I was about to say. Throwing it away, before it could become a solid thought. Only wanting to bask in her gaze.

I opened my mouth to murmur the three words Susannah waited with bated breath to hear.

"All right, Simon," Someone exclaimed bursting through the door with another of her hot on her heels. "Enough slacking. We need to get down to business, and we need to get down to business now. Kelly and Paul are whupping our butts. We have got to come up with a campaign slogan, and we have to come up with it now. We have one day until the election,"

Immediately dropping Susannah's hand, I stared at the girl with the white blond hair and purple eyes in astonishment. Knowing my opportunity to tell Susannah how I felt, had come and gone. My courage fled when they barged into Susannah's room. Leaving me feeling bereft and afloat.

"Well, hi, CeeCee," Susannah said. "Hi, Adam. Nice of you two to drop by. Ever heard of knocking?"

"Oh, please," CeeCee replied. "Why? Because we might interrupt you and your precious Jesse?"

I was surprised by CeeCee before, now I was shocked beyond recognition upon hearing my name. And for it to of been spoken of in such terms too. I raised my eyebrows in question. Feeling them disappear into my hairline.

"CeeCee, shut up." Susannah muttered, blushing a deeper red than I had ever seen on her.

CeeCee, now sprawled on the floor with board and different coloured pens looked up at Susannah's exclamation. "We knew he wasn't here. There's no car in the driveway. Besides, Brad said to go on up."

Susannah's other friend Adam whistled at the display of roses on the window seat. "Those from him?" He asked. "Jesse, I mean? Guy's got class, whoever he is."

I felt a pang upon Adam's retort. Feeling the wave of pain hit me harder than I thought it would. That Susannah's friends would believe I was the one to have sent her such an elaborate display. Because of course I couldn't. They didn't know I was dead. That I would never be able to shower Susannah with displays of my love for her. Flowers, dates, school dances. Adam's belief that they were from me, had only brought home the reality of our problem. Reminding me, of all that I can't give her.

Even standing here with them. They were speaking of me, as if I was another person living among the world. Instead I was standing before them, listening to their words and thoughts. As if I was invading a private party. Unable to stay, unwilling to leave.

"Yes," Susannah said in answer to his question. "Listen, you guys, this really isn't a very good - "

"Ew!" CeeCee shrieked suddenly, rousing me from my stupor. "That is disgusting! Your feet look like just like the feet of those people they pulled from Mount Everest . . ."

"That was frostbite," Adam added. "Their feet were black. Suze's got the opposite problem, I think. Those are burn blisters." He straightened from his intent scrutinising of Susannah's feet.

I didn't pay attention to the rest. I blocked all of their excited chatter out and focused on the roses Slater had sent Susannah in apology. For what, I still wasn't completely sure. I saw the gift of love, the act of being able to materially express his feelings for her.

What did I have to give her? What could I offer to Susannah? I couldn't even express my true love for her. Always interrupted and halted. I could only tell her how I felt with small actions. Slater - or any other man - could offer Susannah the world, give her the dreams she wants to live and experience. To be by her side for the rest of her life. A physical and emotional support. He could give Susannah a family of her own. The happiness I could only _dream_ of giving to her.

Over time she would come to resent me for holding her back. For stopping her from having the normal life she could only have, if she was loved by someone alive. For robbing her of her desires and needs. I couldn't do that to her. I wouldn't.

I had been so close to admitting all this evening. I have no doubt in my mind I would have should we have not been interrupted. Just like I'm sure I would when David interrupted our kiss. It was become increasingly difficult to walk away. And the temptation has only grown stronger with each day. There was no choice or option left for me anymore.

Slater had confirmed my deepest fears and doubts for me. That my love wasn't going to be enough. Not to me.

I gave Susannah one last glance, pursing my lips together to stop me from saying anything. I watched as she spoke with her friends, their words blocked out and swept away. She didn't look at me. Didn't notice my sight on her. Knowing it was for the best - but still making my heart leap into my throat - I turned away from her prone form on her bed. Looking to the distant ocean view one last time before leaving.

I knew what I needed to do. Who I needed to see. I just pray Susannah could forgive me for the pain I was sure to cause to us both...

* * *

**_Love me without fear. Trust me without questioning. Need me without demanding. Want me without restrictions. Accept me without change. Desire me without inhibitions. For a love so free . . . will never fly away . ._** **_. _**- _Dick Sutphen_

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_**A/N 2:**_ Thanks for reading, please review **:D**

_**Anonymous Reviews:**_

**_Meg -_** Thank you as always. My dedication to this series is because of the enthusiasm and support I've received from people like you. It makes me work harder and better **:D** I'm glad you enjoyed the last one, I hope you do this too **:)** Take care, x

_**smgirl -**_ Thank you! I'm glad your enjoying it **:D **I think my sister is the only gal I've ever known to buy new shoes and completely ruin her feet in the process. She has the scars to prove it! I certainly don't envy her, considering she kept right on doing it...weird one that she is, lol. Thanks again, take care, x

**_Coming up in Chapter 4:_** Jesse goes to see Father Dominic to confess all...


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer:**_ Please see first chapter for disclaimer. Song lyrics are not mine.

**_Rating:_** T

**_A/N: _**I have become slightly attached to my keyboard...so that means you lucky people get another update! Although I'm sure sub-consciously I'm updating quick so we get to the fight quicker, lol. But I feel I must apologise for this one. I was having so much trouble trying to think. I'm still so darn tired **:(** But in the end, Father D came through for me, and helped me out **:D** Three cheers for Dominic!

That being said, there is a small part where we visit his POV of after Jesse leaves him with his confession. It kinda slammed into me last night. I know this whole series is around Jesse, but...I dunno...it just seemed right. I hope you all enjoy it anyway **:D**

And thank you so much for the continued ya's! **:)**

**_Recap:_** Jesse finally goes and sees Father Dominic to confess all...

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**_Chapter 4..._**

I found myself pacing the courtyard of the Mission Academy after I left Susannah's room. The school Susannah - and now Paul Slater - attends. Where she comes to learn and be around others. Where she is liked by all and envied by few. The same place Heather attended in her short life. The same courtyard she screamed and ranted to be given her old life back. To return to all she has ever known. To the life she had taken from herself.

The memory of that night is still clear in my mind, as if it happened only yesterday. It had broke Susannah's heart that night, to see Heather so distraught. The angry spirit knowing she had only herself to blame. But her anger with herself was so intense it had been her undoing. Susannah understood to a certain degree, of how Heather felt. Of the normal life she wished to be given back. Where she was popular and loved. Where she had nothing to worry about in her young life.

Only to have given up on the first sign of trouble. Denying herself the chance to learn and grow from her pain. And she paid the price. She had to live among her friends and family. To see them laughing and happy. Carrying on with their young lives, carefree and simple. She had to stand on the edge and let her anger consume her more and more.

Susannah understood. I knew she did. She craved all that Heather did. The chance of a normal life. To be carefree and happy. To enjoy her young life, instead of fighting for it. She too stood on the edge watching those around her have the opportunities she had refused to try. Knowing the next spirit may appear, waiting and begging for her to help them. And so the routine would start again. A cycle that never seems to be broken.

Until now.

Paul Slater has offered Susannah the chance of finding out what it could be like to be one of them. One of the many people she sees on a daily basis, going about their lives. The same people she attends this school with. Oblivious to the unseen happenings going on around them. He knows her secret, he knows her loneliness. He has more to offer than I could ever deign to think about. He or any other man, could love Susannah unconditionally and without flaw. Not having to hide and pretend. He can give her, all she needs.

Sub-consciously I increase my pacing with each thought. Letting my hand continuously run through my hair anxiously. A nervous reaction and one I had been performing a lot as of late because I know what has to been done. How long I had been fruitlessly trying to convince myself everything was going to turn out okay. That it would go back to normal soon. Hoping fate would bring it back to its natural conclusion. All the while knowing, I was only trying to save myself the oncoming pain. To save Susannah.

I could still feel the anger deep inside me at knowing Slater was back. I had moved past my fury with him and that awful night. I had truly believed I would never see him again. That he would become a distant memory and one I could look back on and know I would never have to feel the anger with him again. I had thought Susannah was free of his influence. I knew her nightmares would subside over time. That she would forget and to try and never think of it again. I was starting to hope this to be true.

But finding out he is back, and that she has known all this time and had never told me; I didn't know what to think, or how to feel. He was what she had been keeping from me. But I wasn't angry with her. I truly believe she was trying to protect me. The obvious fear of losing me again is a constant in her nightmares and thoughts. But my anger with him, is one I can not simmer of rebuke. I welcome it instead. Knowing I cannot let my guard down to trust anything he says or does. Susannah may be so willing, but I am not.

_"Nombre de Dios," _I exclaim as I sit down heavily on the stone bench. Resting my head in my hands. My thoughts and actions full of regret and self loathing for letting it get this far. The memory of Susannah's friends and their knowledge of me enters my mind. They know my name, but they know nothing of my existance. Of my friendship and love with Susannah. They just assume I am another passing infatuation. Just another person to enter and leave her life over time. Deep down, I know this is partly true.

But how desperate I was to want to speak up and tell them the truth. That I was nothing that would ever enter their thoughts. I knew that if Susannah were to ever admit to such a gift or love; they would scoff at her and laugh.

How could I stay living in Susannah's home, knowing that everyday the temptation and the hurt becomes more unbearable. Knowing I could never give Susannah anything. That one day she would meet someone, who could give her _everything_.

I couldn't do that to Susannah and I couldn't do that to myself. Speaking with Father Dominic is my only option I have left to me. He being the one person I could confess to and who I hope wouldn't judge me, but would understand. Something told me he would. And that thought was the only thing stopping me from disappearing on the spot.

I have no doubt he would be angry with Susannah and myself, for carrying on with our situation as it stood. I just prayed he wouldn't be too much to not help me. If I left it any longer I would never be able to face him. To find the fortitude to stand up and admit I didn't know what else to do. Returning to Susannah's room wasn't an option open to me anymore. The sooner our connection was severed, the better for her.

I ignored the voice asking of my own pain.

With a renewed resolve, I lifted my head back up to the sights around me. My eyes unseeing. I took a deep breath in anticipation of what was surely to come next. Gathering a picture of Father Dominic in my mind, I imagined his presence and my will to be there. Before I could assimilate what happened, or hesitate on my actions, I was there. Standing before Father Dominic's desk in his office. Taking him by surprise at my sudden appearance.

Once he had come back to his sense and taken in who was before him, he politely asked. "Jesse. What can I do for you?" His tone contradicted his worry and concern in his eyes at seeing my expression.

Taking another deep breath and drawing on my last reserves of courage, I levelled my deep eyes on Father Dominic. Not bothering to hide the emotions plaguing my voice. Needing the release more than I did to save face. "I need your help, Padre," Before Father Dominic could open his mouth to answer or ask, I plunged straight in and told him everything . . .

* * *

Once Jesse had left my office, disappearing away with a look of utter forlorn on his face, I releashed the sigh I had been wanting to do since I first saw the look of misery in his eyes and expression upon his arrival. I blew my breath so hard, I made the pen on my desk roll forwards slightly. Reminidng me of what I was interuppted from.

This evening was not how I imagined it to be ending. I was hoping for some peace and quiet to finish or at least catch-up on the paperwork to have been arisen with the visit of the Archbishop. Once again finding my spare time inundated with more problems with Susannah. Only this was worse than I could have ever have believed.

I couldn't rid myself of the appearance Jesse made before me. His face drawn and tense. His frame was rigid with nerves and energy. His hands were almost twitching at his sides. But it was his eyes that was the most that stuck in my mind. The way they had darkened until they were black. Protecting and guarding himself from all of this world. Trying not to give anymore away than was necessary. Only it didn't work. Because I could feel the anguish coming off of him as sure as if it was my own.

And a long time ago, it was.

I wish I had been prepared. To have foreseen his arrival and confession. The urge to walk the short distance to my filing cabinet and the framed award sitting atop it, was the strongest craving I have had in a long time. The thought of ripping open the red and white packet and taking a deep lungful of nicotine was thrumming through me. The last time I had succumbed to it, ironically was because of Susannah and her distress to save Jesse from his untimely fate. I knew that even if I just laid the packet before me, that I would be too tempted.

I did groan out loud this time. Leaning back in my chair with my head resting back to look up to the tiled ceiling. If I rolled my head to the left slightly, I would be granted with the view of my once addiction. It took all of my will and years of doing so to not look. More even to not get up and grab them. Never in all my years have I ever met someone to make me worry so much, or enough to want to pick my habit back up.

I knew a while ago that there was something there. The sparkling look in her eye and smiles when she spoke of him. The query the night we first met the RLS Angels; did I think we only had a one true love. That a psychic told her she would have a love to last for all of time. And the most recent. Susannah's last ditch attempt to retrieve Jesse from the fate of moving on. Nearly getting herself killed in doing so. It was all there flashing at me in fluorescent lights. But I had stubbornly held onto my denial, choosing to not see or believe it. The memories of my own pain making me become blind to all that was progressing. Watching history repeat itself.

I silently berated myself for not stepping in sooner. To stop anyone from getting hurt. Which enivitable was what was soon to happen. Not just with Susannah, but Jesse too. I could see this was as painful to bare for him. I only hoped Susannah would be able to see that. For the small sacrifice he is making to give her the life he wants her to have and deserve.

His words of his confession were still ringing in my ears. Echoing around my mind, snapping me to a full and alert state of mind again.

I was surprised Susannah hadn't told me of this. That their relationship had progressed so far in such a short time they had known each other. I couldn't in good conscience let it continue. To know and let Jesse stay living in Susannah's home, in light of all that has happened. And I told him as such. I met no resistance with Jesse. He already knew he needed to leave. It was Susannah we are both concerned about. I could see the guilt plaguing his features for causing Susannah anymore emotional backlash. It was clear in his grimace and his constant hand running through his hair.

I readily used my power of being her principal and friend to help Jesse in his decision. That I was only looking out for Susannah's well-being and spiritual needs to help her. As well as helping Jesse too. He understood just like the gentleman I know he is. A far too honorable of a man to ever cause any more hurt around him than was necessary.

But the truth; was that I couldn't bare to see Susannah go through what I did at her age. Not if I had the power, means and knowledge to stop it.

I too fell in-love with a ghost. I happily gave my heart to her. Indulging myself in the wonderful feelings she had for me in return. Believing we could go on like that forever. That we didn't need anyone else. It didn't matter that no one else knew. We loved each other and that was all that had mattered to me. Until the day came when she was no longer there. When she had found the reason for why she hadn't moved on.

And the pain and heartache I felt that day and many there after, is something that will be a constant shadow in my heart. The knowledge and hope, that she was where she belonged and that one day I would see her again, was the only thing keeping me from letting my affliction take complete control of me.

I know Jesse loves Susannah. He didn't say it and he didn't have too. I would recognize the familiar light and anguish I saw in him, if hundreds of years had passed. The only emotions another person to have gone through the same ordeal would notice.

I was doing this, to help and protect them both. From each other. I only hoped Susannah would see it that way. I knew I would need to be blunt and direct with her. She is a very stubborn and hard-headed individual . . . I prayed this trait would be what helped her to move on.

Knowing I wasn't going to be getting anymore work done for the night, I carefully organized my desk so it was ready for my attention again tomorrow. Shutting off my desk lamp, casting the room into a darkness I wasn't comfortable standing in. Just before I closed the door behind me, I gave the room one last perusal. Knowing that tomorrow, I would have one very emotional mediator to talk with. I steeled myself for that oncoming reaction, praying for strength to get through it.

* * *

Not wanting to bother Father Dominic anymore than I had already, I left as soon as our conversation seemed to be over. Leaving the Mission, the rectory and the courtyard all behind me. The release at finally admitting to Father Dominic was short lived. Because I still had to get past the pain of saying goodbye to Susannah.

Father Dominic and I had decided it would be best if I stayed at the rectory with him. To leave Susannah's room all together. I had known I would have to leave her room permanently. But now that the words were spoken, and the plan had been set into action, I couldn't stop the quiver of fear from rising in my chest. I owed it to Susannah to at least say goodbye properly. Unfortunately my mind refused to supply me with any consolation or idea as to how she may or may not treat the new course of events.

Father Dominic had been right. Susannah deserved someone _alive._ It wasn't fair to her, for me to hold her back. It was a shame I couldn't quite convince my heart of this.

There would be so many things I would miss. The view from her windows of the sun rising or setting. The sound of the leaves on the trees outside her window. The amazing display of stars visible when laying on her porch roof. Hearing the familiar thump on the pine-needle covered roof tiles, at Spike's arrival. Sitting in the dark of Susannah's room at night, listening to her soft breathing while she slept. The family noises about the home in the evenings. The atmosphere still new but building with memories.

But most of all, I would miss our time together. The light or deep banter always passing between us. The comfortable silence that could stretch on for hours but would seem like minutes.

I had built my 'life' around Susannah since that first day I had met her. I didn't do anything, without thinking of Susannah. She would be in my thoughts first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Always filling the empty space in between. Never far from my mind, no matter where I was.

Now tomorrow she would be told that was all going to change. Over time Susannah would move on and find love again. She would have what I want _for_ her. I let that knowledge ease my heart for a short time. But I knew it never lasts . . .

* * *

**_I've traded my innocence, For the secrets of the night, Felt my calloused conscience, Lose it's grip on wrong and right. . ._** - _'Heaven Help Me'_, by _'Wynonna Judd'_

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_**A/N 2: **_I dunno about you lot, but the thought of kind and considerate Father D smoking is absolutely **HILARIOUS** to me **:D **Lol. K, so I know this one was shorter than normal, but my mind was coming up blank. I hope you enjoyed it anyway. Thanks for reading, please review **:)**

**_Anonymous Reviews:_**

_**Meg -**_Thank you! I can't believe how quickly I'm flying through this book! Is that a good or a bad thing? Lol. But thanks as always. I hope you enjoy this one, and Father D's lil part** :)** Take care, x

**_SB -_** Hi! Thank you for reviewing **:D** I'm glad your enjoying this so much **:) **And I'm glad I'm still doing Jesse's character well. He is lotsa fun. Thanks again, I hope you enjoy this one. Take care, x

**_Coming up in Chapter 5: _**Jesse visits Suze one last time to say goodbye, but is interrupted _again_, by none other than Paul Slater. Ending in an all out brawl between to the two guys...SWE-EET! **:D**


	5. Chapter 5

**_Disclaimer:_** Please see first chapter for disclaimer. Song and Lyrics are not mine.

**_Rating:_** T

_**A/N: **_Well, I was reading your reviews and your infectious excitement for this chapter, so I couldn't resist. I just had to sit down and write it. That's like what, 3 updates to this, and another lil story...yikes! I gotta give my fingers a rest. We're only on Thursday, lol. The quotes are from a song called _'Love Is'_, by_ 'Stevie Nicks'_.

Enjoy y'all! **:D**

_**Recap:**_ Hot-guy BRAWL!

**_

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You know I cannot stay, Yes I know, It has nothing to do, With you or with Love, Oh yes it does . . .

* * *

**_Chapter 5..._**

I spent the majority of the night I went to see Father Dominic, at the beach. Fighting not to let my emotions and thoughts take control of me. Knowing there would be no turning back if I did such a thing. Susannah taught me strength and I was going to use it. I was tired of letting my feelings get in the way. They have already cost me the best friend I could ever of asked for. I never knew anyone like Susannah, even when I was alive.

I knew that if I wasn't careful that they could rapidly turn into something deeper and darker. I was already angry with myself and if I wasn't careful, then it could easily become worse.

But I also knew the main culprit for my rage and wrath. The one person to have walked into our lives and caused it to go terrible wrong. The same person who had made me feel small and unworthy. Who caused such a murderous rage to overcome me, I never saw a way to release it. My anger with him - since I found out he was back in Carmel and spending time with Susannah - had been festering and growing with each sorrow and hurtful feeling I had about Susannah. Knowing that with every thought of her - of the love I could never be with - was quickly shadowed by thoughts of him to accompany them.

Making the raw affliction being dealt to me more aggressive and turbulent.

Paul Slater, I realized would make a good partnership with Felix Diego. They seem to be cut from the same cloth. Both selfish and always wanting what they couldn't have. Stopping at nothing to acquire it. It made my blood boil knowing there was someone like that so close to Susannah. Of how easily he had managed to worm his way back into her life. Making her listen to all the quiet and spelling words he had to offer her. Telling her what she wanted to hear. Creeping his way in by exploiting her gift. A gift he shares himself only to abuse it.

I have no problem admitting I was jealous of Paul Slater. And any other boy to take an interest in Susannah. They could all have with Susannah, what I could only long too dream for.

Another thing Paul Slater has taken for granted. I only hoped Susannah was quick enough to see his true ways. To cast him aside where he belongs.

I had been becoming increasingly frustrated with the way my thoughts were spiralling out of control. Making me feel almost dizzy with the lucidness of them. Of the constant barrage my soul was taking. Each time making me feel weaker and weaker with the effort. Why did love have to be so complicated? Why did life - or the after-life - have to be so difficult and unfair?

Just like the times before, no-one answered my silent questions. Ones that were coming closer and closer to being verbalized. My throat was ready in anticipation to shout it to the roaring waves matching my sentiments. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever be granted my answers. Ones I may or may not receive when - if ever - I have moved on to where I am supposed to be.

I knew Susannah was the reason I hadn't moved on. But I had a feeling that even if I made a concerted effort to let go and walk away, that I would be unable. Susannah was too ingrained in my heart and soul now. There would be no way for me to walk away from that. To know of the most beautiful soul I had left behind. I would have moved on, forgotten maybe. But Susannah would never of done. For the rest of her life she would remember me.

Just like she will even with me still walking on earth in the shadows.

For the first time, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Wondering if I was being reckless and foolish to leave her. To deny the love I had been so graciously bestowed. A love I never imagined ever being able to feel. Did I have the right to pass my precious gift aside. I would stay if Susannah asked me to. I had no doubt about that. But a large part of me knew, that by staying with Susannah I would only be making us both hurt all the more.

But still I questioned my actions. And I had a feeling I would be, for quite some time to come.

The sun was creeping over the horizon when I finally brought my senses back from my thoughts. I knew Father Dominic would be speaking with Susannah in only a matter of hours. Informing her of my leave. Albeit reluctantly. I agreed with Father Dominic that he should be the one to tell her. I knew instantly I would never be able to. I wouldn't of been able to go through with it. Looking Susannah in the eye and knowing her hurt and anger was because of me. That I had put there, what I swore I never would.

I would go and see her tonight. I'd wait if I had to. But I knew I couldn't leave without seeing and speaking with her first. I didn't deny I was frightened though. My mind couldn't or wouldn't supply me with any thoughts of how she would react to one of my last appearances to her. I just hoped I was strong enough to really walk away from her. To to the right thing knowing my heart was in complete disagreement.

As for the rest of my day. I knew I needed to go watch for Craig. I hadn't seen him since I had left him to see Susannah yesterday afternoon. The same evening I had found out about Paul Slater by way of a bouquet of roses. I shook my head at the onslaught of anger at that torturing memory. I had to concentrate on doing what Susannah asked of me. Heaven's knows what Craig may have gotten up to since I had been away.

Casting my old friend and confident - the ocean - one last look, I went in search of Craig.

* * *

It hadn't taken me too long to locate him. He was as he has been nearly every other time, with his brother. He had been skulking around him, still not making any kind of threatening move towards him. I wondered how much longer that was going to last if at all. But all he continued to do, was poke fun at Neil. Making disgruntled faces at him and jeering him with harsh words. Looks and words that Neil didn't see or hear.

All going unnoticed to his brother.

I knew the frustration would be taking hold of him soon. He is a person who is too used to getting and having the attention of others around him. His prescence I would of guessed, would have easily of drawn people in when he was alive. But it would be long before he started thinking up more different and creative ways to make his brother suffer. All because Neil survived and Craig didn't. Not for the first time, I wondered about the morals and minds of some people. How they could be so selfish and ignorant of the plights of this world was beyond me. Craig didn't care his brother survived and was alive. He was too caught up that he - the athlete - hadn't.

Craig's behaviour during the day was erratic and unpredictable. He would be laughing and cheering along with others around Neil, when the time called for it and sometimes when it didn't. But his mood could shift and change to sulky and moody just as quickly. Always making me wary of what he could do. I hadn't seen him exercise any of his unique abilities given to a ghost and I wasn't completely sure if he even knew he had them. But I stayed on guard all the same.

It had been quite some time before_ I_ had realized I had my own special gifts. They had come forth from a particularly bad day. I was lonely and my anger wasn't to be contained any longer. Needless to say, I certainly wasn't expecting the object I had been glaring at, to fly into a wall and smash in to pieces. I made a concerted effort to make my anger become more manageable after that incident. But over time I learnt to control it. And to bend it to my own will.

I hoped Craig would have moved on before his came around in such a way. The memory of Heather and her extremely powerful gifts was something I didn't think I would ever forget.

The rest of the day was long and tedious following Craig who in turn was watching his own brother. Neil always seemed very dejected and disconnected. This only fuelled Craig's smug and arrogant behaviour all the more.

But when the time rolled around for me to finally go and visit Susannah, I suddenly didn't wish to leave Craig alone. The nerves I had thought I had beaten were back and making me feel more nervous and worried with each passing minute I delayed and hesitated. I had contemplated going and seeing Father Dominic, if only to ask. But I soon decided against it. Knowing I would never be able to face her now if I knew how she had truly reacted. And I believed it wasn't something I needed to know.

I knew I was only stalling for time and the longer I left it, the harder it was going to be. For both of us. But the quivering motion in me was not abating. Finding this to be a terrible time to suddenly lose my courage. But with that in mind and a firm control of my thoughts and wayward emotions, I quickly imagined Susannah's room and wished to be there. Before I could talk myself out of it, I appeared in Susannah's room.

When I opened my eyes, I found her room was empty. Something I was glad, but terrified for. The nerves plaguing me were slowly becoming worse. With a quick search with my senses, I knew she was in her bathroom. I knew it would only be a matter of time before she emerged again. I could hear a lot of loud music coming from down stairs and the sounds of laughing and squealing people. I forgot this was the designated night of Brad's unsupervised party. One I knew his parents didn't know about. I had no doubt it would all end badly, resulting in a lot of trouble for all involved.

Turning to my usual place on Susannah's window seat, I sat and waited patiently for Susannah to return from her private bathroom. Soon joined by my affectionate cat Spike, who took instant possession of my lap. I was going to miss him dearly I realized. There would be no way for me to be able to come back and see him during the day when Susannah is at school. I would find it too hard seeing all the things I had come to be so fond and familiar of. Knowing I would only be causing myself more stabs to my heart. This may be, I realized one of the last times I would see him too.

I made my short but sweet time with him count. Taking full attention of making a fuss of him. Tickling his favourite spots behind his ears and under his chin. His purr of satisfaction was all I needed in return. I hadn't realized how attached and dependent of him I had become. Kind of how dependent I had with seeing Susannah smile for me at least once every day. I ruefully smiled at that absent thought.

Susannah chose that time to grace me with her presence. Unlocking and opening her bathroom door with a quiet stream of steam to exit with her. She was dressed in her favourite outfit. And ironically the same one she had been wearing the first day I had met her. The day she had left me feeling utterly shocked and ecstatic. Awakening in me long forgotten and buried emotions. Creating a chain effect that from this day, I swear I can still feel.

Now I feared, this is how it was going to end.

Susannah spotted me as soon as she entered her room. Locking her bright hurt filled eyes on my own dark, inscrutable ones. I gave nothing away in my expression. Keeping it blank and schooled. I saw her fists clench at her sides before she moved her arms to cross over her chest in defiance. Instantly making me aware of how she was going to be. Stubborn and indifferent.

"Oh, you're still here? I thought you would have moved to the rectory by now." Was her polite but caustic retort.

I took a silent breath to calm my racing thoughts. Hoping to diffuse her unyielding words. "Susannah," I murmured in a low voice. Hoping she would heed my silent plea and warning.

"Don't let me stop you," She continued regardless. "I hear there's going to be a lot of action at the mission tonight. You know, getting ready for the big feast tomorrow. Lots of pinatas left to stuff, I hear. You should have a blast."

"Susannah," I said again, trying to make this easier and less excruciating than it was already turning out to be. I deposited Spike on to the cushions beside me, leaving me free to stand and face Susannah. "You must know it's better this way."

"Oh," She said, unconcerned and shrugging at my plight. "Sure. Give my regards to Sister Ernestine."

I had no answer and no idea what to think to that. I could feel my anger coming to the surface slightly. Surprised that she was as unaffected as she claimed to be about the whole thing. That the months previous and everything leading up to this moment had been for nothing. That the affliction I was causing us both to feel, was all meaningless to her.

That the fear, worry and hope was all to end so bitterly and raw between us.

"So that's all," I asked, aware but unable to keep the hint of anger from my voice. "That's all you have to say to me?"

"Yes," She coolly replied, the flash of anger I saw erupt in her eyes at my own query. "Oh, no, wait."

I felt hope flare to life in my chest and shine through my eyes. "Yes?" I anticipated.

"Craig," She said matter of fact. "I forgot about Craig. How is he doing?"

I didn't bother to stop the sigh from escaping this time. Too weary and disappointed to try. I schooled my expression again. Showing nothing of the massive discontent I was feeling at her standoffish behaviour. The hope I had been silently carrying with me all day was slowly dwindling to non existent. The silent desire that maybe Susannah would ask me to stay. To not walk away was being ripped and torn with each passing comment.

"He's the same," I said. "Unhappy about being dead. If you want, I can have Father Dominic - "

"Oh," She replied, angrily cutting me off from my offer. "I think you and Father Dominic have done quite enough. I'll handle Craig, I think, on my own."

It was a few seconds before I replied. "Fine." I quietly stated, my eyes bearing down into her own defiant ones.

"Fine." She replied. Her voice hard and unemotional.

"Well . . . ." I quietly spoke, looking deeper and deeper into her gaze. Hoping and praying to break through the hard defence. To try and comfort her in some way. Hating myself more and more for causing her to be this way. But I knew there was nothing I could do. Or that she would of allow me to. "Good-bye Susannah."

"Yeah," Her voice shook slightly with the first trace of emotion I had heard or seen since this horrible wretched evening had begun. "See you around."

I had said all I had come to say. I had seen Susannah one last time, I had had my hopes banished and torn apart. There was nothing left for me to stay here for. Only more agony and heartache. Her reply had been my cue to leave. To walk away for good. But try as I might, I couldn't tear my eyes away from her own. My hearts resolve was holding on so strong I had no power or say anymore.

I couldn't leave it the way we had. I couldn't let our last parting words to be filled with bitterness and sorrow. To have the last sight of Susannah's eyes to be filled with nothing but negativity for and towards me. I could still change it. I could still tell her how I really felt. I could leave here safe in the knowledge that Susannah knows how much I truly care for her. How I am willing to give everything up, so I could see the life that Susannah deserves to have happen for her.

I couldn't leave knowing I hadn't made one last effort to tell Susannah. Knowing I may never get the chance and the opportunity to do so again. But most selfishly of all. I did it for me. So I knew - that after everything - Susannah knew the truth and the love I have for her.

"Susannah," I whispered, staring down into her eyes and taking one more step toward her. Letting go of my inhibitions and throwing caution to the wind, I reached out and laid my rough, work calloused hand on her face. Relishing and missing the age-old familiar feelings to accompany me when in such close contact with Susannah. Swept up in a moment I didn't ever want to break away from. Gently I let my thumb stroke over her cheek, seeing the flash and shimmer in her eyes. Her walls crumbling and withering with my touch.

"Susannah, I - "

And for the _third_ time in as many weeks and days, I was cut off and stopped from being able to say the words I had so desperately wanted to speak to Susannah. So close to telling her everything. To banishing the distress in her eyes caused by me.

And by none other than the loathsome creature - Paul Slater.

"Pardon me for interrupting," He jovially commented upon throwing Susannah's bedroom door open and strolling in. A smug and arrogant look plastered on his face that my hands itched to wipe off.

Susannah and I pulled apart, the moment once again broken and irretrievable to us. To me.

"Knock much," Susannah spat, colour rushing to her cheeks and tinting them pink. Her voice underlying with something. Embarrassment perhaps. She turned to face Slater fully, a threatening glare on her beautiful face. But not as threatening as my own I was directing at him. I could imagine the angry sneer on my face. Coupled with the low territorial growl I could feel building in my throat.

"Well," Slater innocently started. Unfazed by the look on Susannah's face. Not even bothering to glance in my direction yet. Only sweeping his eyes appreciatively over Susannah. I bristled at the loaded stare that went by oblivious to Susannah again. My anger igniting quickly. My arms and legs tense and ready to strike. "I heard all the hilarity and figured you had guests. I didn't realize, of course, that you were entertaining Mr. De Silva." He spat my name like venom, finally looking at me but with no small amount of disgust.

The feeling was completely mutual.

"Slater." I growled. My voice was low and menacing. All fool Slater for not heeding it's warning now. Spike still seated on the window seat climbed to his own paws, his back arched and threatening towards Slater too. His reaction similar to my own deep inside.

"Jesse," He replied with false politeness. "How are you this evening?"

"I was doing better," I said. "before you got here."

Slater raised his eyebrows in intrigue. As if surprised by my statement. "Really? Suze didn't tell you the news, then?" I bristled even more at his casual try for conversation and the smirk on his face when speaking Susannah's name.

"What n - " I said.

"About the shifting?" Susannah quickly cut in before I could finish. I never tore my hard stare away from Slater and missed the panic flutter through Susannah's eyes. She stepped in front of me, already anticipating how this impromptu meetings was going to turn about. "And the soul transference thing? No, I haven't had a chance to tell Jesse about all that yet. But I will. Thanks for stopping by."

Slater in return only had a slow grin creep across his face staring at Susannah. A grin screaming of trouble. I tensed at his his gaze. Pre-occupied I heard Spike start growling and hissing at Slater in turn. I never felt more proud of my beloved pet as I did right then.

"That's not why I'm here." Paul quietly spoke as if only to Susannah. I tensed even more. I could feel my curled fingers aching with the force and pressure they were enduring due to Slater's appearance.

Casting me a quick glance, Susannah tried to cut this interlude short and quickly. "Well, if you're here for Brad's party," Susannah interjected. "you seem to be a little lost. It's downstairs, not up here."

"I'm not here for the party either," He grinned. "I came by to return this to you." Breaking off, Slater dug his hand into his pocket to retrieve something. Holding it out on his palm for Susannah to see. "You left it in my bedroom the other day."

The result of his offhand comment towards Susannah and the object in his hand, left me feeling as if the wind had been knocked right out of me. As though I had suffered one of the sucker punches to the stomach Susannah feels so compelled to dish out to Brad on occasion. I'm sure the pain would have been less immense if that had been the case. I had to tamp down hard on the quick intake of breath I nearly issued at his casually spoken words.

I felt my anger build to accompany the shock. My rage with him made me purse my lips together to stop myself uttering a bad word. Susannah turned to look at me as if sensing my tension and to see the effect his words had on me. I saw the flicker of regret pass through her eyes making me realize there was some truth to his words.

"Thanks," She snapped, snatching the accessory out of his hand. "But I dropped it at school, not your place."

I saw Slater's grin spread wider across his face. His stance, words and eyes were all determined. "Are you sure?" He asked. "I could have sworn you left it in my bed."

Snap.

Before Susannah or Slater saw it coming, I stepped around Susannah and sunk my tight, curled fist straight into Slater's face. Causing him to reel back and land on Susannah's dressing table. Making the contents on top to rain down on Slater's shocked and smug face. Knowing he got the reaction out of me he wanted. Making the effect of his words do exactly as he anticipated.

I was getting ready to cast him another blow, but Susannah had stepped in between us again and blocked my path to Slater. I could feel my blood boiling and my stomach twisting. My anger was rapidly climbing higher and there was no sign of it coming down anytime soon. And I didn't know if I wanted it to.

"All right," Susannah shouted. "Okay. Enough. Jesse, he's trying to get a rise out of you. It was nothing, all right? I went over to his house because he said he knew some stuff about something called soul transference. I thought maybe it was something that might help you. But I swear, that's all it was. Nothing happened."

My breathing was heavy and rapid. The adrenaline was pumping through me, making my vision tunnel and my blood pound in my ears.

"Nothing happened," Slater repeated disbelievingly. His nose - much to my satisfaction - was dripping blood onto his white shirt, staining it the same colour as the roses he had delivered to Susannah the other day. Along with an apology that I now knew why. He had taken advantage of the situation. And now he was throwing it in my face and enjoying every minute of it. "Tell me something, _Jesse_. Does she sigh when you kiss her, too?"

Heedless of Susannah trying to intervene, I leapt forward again and sunk my left fist into Slater's jaw again. Sending him spinning to the window seat and towards a very indignant Spike, who with a final hiss and swipe at Slater, bounded out of the open window and to the porch roof outside. Slater landed face down on the cushions, smearing them with his blood now pouring freely from his face. My fists were shaking at my sides tense and ready. My whole body seemed to be shaking with tension. The murderous anger inside never being this strong before.

My thoughts were scattered and wild. Matching my emotions ruled by my white hot blinding rage. I reared my fist back, ready to strike again, determined to hit the smug and arrogant attitude out of him.

"That's _enough," _Susannah growled, grabbing my fist as I pulled it back. If she hadn't of had hold of my fist, I knew I wouldn't of heard anything she said. I would of kept right on going for Slater. "God, Jesse, can't you see what he's doing? He's just trying to make you mad. Don't give him the satisfaction."

Her words sounded as if they were coming through from a great distance and my mind was unwilling to let them through or to make sense of them. All I saw was Slater slumped on the floor with his head leaning back against the window seat, trying unsuccessfully to stem the flow of blood from his nose, I had caused.

His words were echoing throughout my mind, adding fuel to an already raging inferno.

"That is not what I am trying to do," He said. "I am trying to point out to _Jesse_ here that you need a real boyfriend, I mean, come _on_. How long do you think it's going to last? Suze, I didn't tell you before, but I'll tell you now because I know what you've been thinking. Soul transference only works if you toss out the soul that's currently occupying a body, then throw someone else's into it. In other words, it's _murder_. And I'm sorry, but you don't strike me as much of a murderer. Your boy Jesse's going to have to step into the light one of these days. You're just holding him back - "

The arm Susannah was holding automatically shifted at his words. Trying to break free to stop the slew of words that were cutting me deeper and deeper with each breath. But Susannah threw more of her weight on it, straining to keep me from pummeling Slater even more. But I knew she wouldn't be able to hold me back forever. My strength was already being fuelled by my anger. Rage that Slater was doing nothing to quell towards him.

"Shut up, Paul," Susannah spat.

"And what about you, Jesse? I mean, what the hell can you give her?" He continued. "You can't even pay for her to have a damned cup of coffee - "

I had finally had enough of Slater's words. Of the bold harsh truth he so joyously threw in my face. Impaling and voicing all the deep fears and pain I had been through for the past couple of days. He happily rubbed salt into a deep, gaping wound. The worst thing he could possible of done. Because now I was beyond standing here and hearing and watching him listen to the sound of his own voice.

Tearing myself from Susannah's grasp I threw myself on Slater smashing my raised fist into his jaw again before pulling him back up. I wrapped my hands around his throat, intent on causing him just as much pain, as he was causing me.

His own hands came up to wrap around my own throat, but it didn't do anything to deter me from applying more pressure. I sent Slater crashing to floor, with my hands still secure. The impact jarring us both. He gained some courage and threw me to the side to try and have the advantage. Resulting in us rolling around the floor each trying to get the upper hand. Only causing us to smash into various pieces of furniture in Susannah's room.

Taking my hands from Slater's throat, I punched him in the face again, sending his head reeling back and smashing into Susannah's bed side table. His own hold loosened enough for me pull him to his feet. Not letting him have the chance to attack, I sunk my right fist into his stomach making him double over and giving me the perfect opportunity to smash my left fist into his face again, sending him back into Susannah's bookcase.

I followed straight after, receiving an answering blow from Slater sending me crashing into Susannah's dressing table. He quickly leaped on me, trying to keep me down, but all his punch did was make me even worse.

I slammed my head into his face again, hearing his yell of pain to his already sore nose, but cut him off with my own growl of fury. Leaping to my feet, I pulled Slater up with me and threw him into Susannah's door, vaguely aware she wasn't in the room with us any longer. Once I heard his back make a shuddering contact with the hard wood, I reared my fist back and launched it into his ribs. Sure I could feel something crack with the impact.

"Stay away from her," I barked.

My hit didn't incapacitate Slater for long though, who with a cry of rage of his own, launched himself on me again, sending me flying out into the hallway and slamming against the wall. Slater's fist made contact with my own stomach, causing a flash phantom pain followed by his fist sinking into my own jaw. Not prepared to suffer another hit from him I shoved him off of me. Followed by my body slamming his into the carpeted walkway.

We rolled and fought with each other for control, causing us to creep further and further towards the stairs. With a quick punch to his already bloody and bruised face, I sent Slater over the edge of the stairs. His hands grabbing hold of my own shirt causing me to topple over with him. Down we tumbled, each rolling over each other, our weight causing us to go faster and heavier than normal.

When we crashed to the end, Slater let go of my clothes leaving me free to stand back up. I was vaguely aware of someone shrieking in my ear, but I paid no attention, my vision too set on releasing all my anger, frustration and hurt onto the manipulative boy laying beaten and bruised at the bottom of Susannah's friends feet.

Having gotten my senses back before Slater had, I leaned down grabbing his arms and hauling him to his feet. Our breathing was labored and erratic. But before I let Slater regain his breath back, I punched him again, sending him flying further into Susannah's house and the people dancing there. I followed after him, landing another blow to his ribs then wrapping my hands around his throat again. The music that was blaring throughout the house was beating in time with my breathing and blood pumping in my ears. Jerking my movements and fuelling me further.

Just as Slater was trying to throw me off to gain some leverage, I felt a foamy white substance come spraying at us, soaking Slater and making my grip on his neck slip and loosen. Frustrated I couldn't gain a hold and the couple of blows to my own ribs I was receiving, I pulled Slater to his feet again and sent him hurtling into the dining room and Susannah's mothers china cabinet. Hearing the sounds of breaking china to accompany the other shattering noises going on around us.

Looking into Slater's eyes, I could still see his damned frustrating defiance. His glare still matching my own hostile one. Feeling a new wave of anger, I picked him up again and sent him smashing through the glass doors leading to outside. The sound of the glass shattering and scattered everywhere caused the people outside to scream and run in different directions. Giving me a direct path to the tub of bubbling water not to far away. A new determination in my own eyes.

With the fresh air, Slater seemed to become more alert again. He tackled me sending me flying further and further to where I wanted him. Punching and hitting me in a barrage of hits. My own sending him reeling in pain from his already broken ribs and nose. Once again picking him up, I sent him hurtling the last space between us and the bubbling tub of water, still crowded with people. With fistfuls of his shirt in one hand and my other wrapped around his throat, I looked Slater in the eye and gave him a chance.

"Are you going to stay away from her?" I growled.

"No way," Was Slater's gurgling answer. Not happy with it, I sent his head dunking beneath the water, holding him there. I heard people screaming and shouting, but none of it was breaking through my haze. All except one.

"Jesse," Susannah cried, making me jerk my head up at the sound. "Let him go. It's not worth it."

Distracted I let go of his throat and shirt and let Jake and Neil pull a coughing and spluttering Slater back up out of the water. Standing back from them slightly, unable to tear my eyes away from blood pouring from a cut on his head and a split lip. Coupling with his broken nose, his eye was swollen shut and he look battered. I could feel the vestiges of my anger starting to draw away slightly. Making my hands shake with the loss of control.

"You have to stop it," Susannah said to us both, helping to clear my anger that little bit more. "That's enough. You've wrecked my house. You've made a mess of each other. And - " Breaking off, Susannah looked around at all the shocked and terrified people watching. " - I think you've pretty much destroyed what little good reputation I once had."

Just as I was about to finish our battle, giving Slater one last warning, another voice cut into the fray. "I can't believe," Craig yelled. "that you guys had a kegger, and no one invited me. Seriously," He continued, oblivious to the everything around him. "this is some good stuff. You mediators really know how to throw a party."

Glaring at Slater, I hoped to end this finally. But not without one last warning. "Don't come near her again. Do you understand?" I growled menacingly.

"Eat me," Slater grinned, making more blood ooze from his split lip. Wrong answer.

Ripping him out of Jake and Neil's grasp I grabbed hold of his throat again and sent him splaying into the water behind him. Dunking his head in further implying my threat even more. I felt his hands flying about trying to get purchase on something - anything - to pull himself back up. But I kept my hold on him pretty tight.

But seconds later Neil was plunged straight into the water face first beside Slater. His brother - Craig - holding him there, having seen my actions with Slater. He went down surprised and swallowing a mouthful of water in the process.

"Neil!" Jake cried, trying to get a hold of his friend along with Paul to pull them both up.

Then Susannah did something that took the fight and control right out of me. Leaving me terrified and confused. Leaning forward into the water between Slater and Neil, she took hold of Slater's shirt in my grip and a hold of Craig by my side. Closing her eyes she took a deep breath and collapsed.

Slater stopped struggling in my grasp instantly, his body going still and limp in my hands. Susannah's body slumped forward falling on to his. Craig who had been holding Neil's head beneath the water had disappeared. Leaving Neil free to be pulled up out of the water. I quickly let go of Slater as if he was on fire. Taking a quick step back looking horrified down at Susannah's limp body. Her hand still holding on to his shirt.

Taking another step back, looking around at all the equally shocked and scared faces of the people cluttered around us and seeing everything. Their voices and shouts were drowned out and unheard. Just the sound of my own labored breathing was heard in my ears. Everything else filtered and muffled. I rapidly blinked my eyes, trying to take in all that was happening, that had happened around me.

The out of control anger I had been feeling not long before and that had been starting to dissipate was now completely vanished. Dispersed leaving me feeling weak and exhausted. I lifted my cracked and bloody hands to see them properly. They were shaking and no matter what will I used, they wouldn't stop. I knew the physical ache and cuts would be gone within minutes. Leaving me with no wound or evidence of the battering I had just enforced on Slater. Releasing all my pent-up anger with him, myself and everything in between.

I vaguely became aware of Jake lifting Susannah's unconscious body away from the tub. Lying her down flat on her back. Her face pale and white. Finally realizing what I was doing, I quickly dropped to Susannah's side and picked up one of her hands. Her friend - CeeCee - kneeling by her other side. I looked down into her face, desperate and pleading to see her open her beautiful green eyes to me. To see that she was alright. To hear her voice and let it break through the last dredges of fog clouding my troubled and turbulent mind.

I had no idea what to think. I only knew Susannah was laying before me, comatose with her breathing so shallow I almost couldn't see her chest rising and falling with the effort. There was no response when anyone called her. No sign of life in her at all. I felt the panic start to claw its way up through my haze. Terrified because there was no way for me to be able to help her.

Jake dropped down to the other side of CeeCee, his own look of concern matching Susannah's friends. My own, I knew, was worse than their own combined.

I could hear sirens coming closer and closer to the house. Their red and white lights casting shadows over everyone and making Susannah look paler than normal. Just as they were pulling up to the side of the deck in Susannah's yard, she started to stir and wake.

Just like before in the church when she had entered her body again, she awoke as if bursting forth from water. Taking a deep breath with her eyes wide with fright and looking very shaken. I heard Slater wake the same time as Susannah had. But I only had eyes for her. I looked down into her wide green orbs, feeling so relieved and thankful that she was okay. I knew it was clear to see in my own expression. She looked back into my own eyes, her emotions unreadable to me.

"She's awake! Oh, my God, Suze! You're awake! Are you okay?" CeeCee cried from beside her, making Susannah wince and grimace at the volume of her voice.

Groggily Susannah started to sit up, clutching at her head and her temples swaying slightly. I instantly placed my arm around her in a possessive gesture. Not caring how it would look. Letting her lean in to me for the support. I was too focused on her to think about anything else around me. Only wanting to help and reassure myself she was okay. Awake . . . alive.

"Susannah." I breathed into her ear, urgent and relieved. "Susannah, what happened? Are you all right? Where . . . where did you go? Where's Craig?" Question after question came tumbling from my mouth before I had the chance to stop them.

"Where he belongs," Susannah replied, wincing at the bright lights shining around her yard. Her words softly spoken as if it was painful just to speak. "Is Neil . . . is Neil all right?"

"He's fine, Susannah." I assured her, leaning back slightly to take in her rumpled expression with concern. She looked directly back at me, taking in one of her own of me. I saw the regret in her eyes again. Chewing on her bottom lip in concern. "Susannah." I murmured again, pulling her back so she was leaning back into me again. My arm tightening around her more. Trying to comfort us both with this small action. "What happened?"

CeeCee assuming Susannah was worse than she looked starting shrieking. "Who's Neil?" She cried. "Oh, my God. She's delusional." She said to their other friend, Adam.

"I'll tell you later," Susannah spoke addressing CeeCee, hoping that it would placate her for now. She looked over to Slater now trying to sit up, coughing up water from when I plunged him into the tub. I tried, but couldn't seem to be able to dredge up any remorse for the state he was currently in. Knowing he deserved every hit I gave him. For each of his taunting words and every deed he had tried to inflict upon Susannah. Or me. For trying and successfully ruining anything Susannah and I had ever had. For voicing my fears and doubts to me in the cruelest and most manipulative way.

That's when the implications came and hit me again. The reasons of why I was here tonight. The three words I was so close to speaking to Susannah before Slater had barged in. The words I was going to leave Susannah with, as the one last gift I felt I could give to her. The last declaration that I do love her. But that she deserves more.

I quietly let my thoughts impound on my mind as I held Susannah for what I believed to be the last time. I watched and waited while the emergency services could check her over and to make sure she was okay. That her sudden bout of unconsciousness - after her trip to where I am sure was the shadowland - wasn't fatal or worrying. She had returned to the subject of her nightmares. The one place I knew she never wanted to ever see again. But needed because there was no other choice. Because, _I_ had left her no other choice.

I released Susannah so she could stand. So she could take in the damage wrought all around her. The damage I was to blame for. Because I had let Slater get to me. I had lost control and let my emotions, namely anger to consume me. Now all I could do was stand by and watch as Susannah took it all in with a look akin to disinterest. Watching as she walked over to Slater, taking in his battered form. The casual conversation being passed between them.

I turned away.

I couldn't bare to stay there any longer. To see all the shocked and shaken people milling around Susannah's home. Having witnessed a scene no-one could explain. Waiting for whatever was to happen next. The police to arrive being a fair assessment. I couldn't stand and observe the shattered glass door leading to Susannah's dining room. The one I had thrown Slater through. Knowing of the chaos and disruption that is inside her home. Of the blood smeared cushions on my window seat. No, Susannah's window seat. Because I don't live here anymore. This isn't my home and never was.

I couldn't bare to stick around and see all that was before me. To witness the defeat and numb emotions I had seen in Susannah's eyes. The strongest person I had ever met. Ever had the pleasure of knowing and falling in love with. To see the utter dejection and defeat in her stance and gaze, only sealed my fate. That it really had come to this now.

Casting Susannah one last glance, I hoped I would be able to see Susannah again. But knowing I shouldn't. I wished that everything I was giving up, would be worth it in the end . . . not quite being able to believe that . . .

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_**Do you know what this is, No I don't, But whatever it is, It's very powerful, Have you felt this way before, Oh I thought I knew, Do you know I love you now, Oh yes I do . . . **_

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_**A/N 2: **_Okay, how'd I do? Well that's definitely longer than the previous one, lol. Thanks for reading, please review. Unfortunately I won't be able to update until early next week though. I'm going away for a couple of days. Gotta go and face my dad and the horrible past that comes with him. I hope I remember to take lotsa chocolate. I'm gonna need it **¬.¬ Toodles!**

**_Anonymous Reviews:_ **

**_Meg - _**Aww, thank you! I had fun writing Father D. I love reading the in the book when he starts fiddling with the packet, tempting himself to open them. Then I remembered he had actually smoked one in the car, while waiting for Suze to speak with CeeCee...I kinda ran with it, lol. It's an hilarious nervous habit for him to have **:D** Thanks for reviewing, I hope you enjoy this one **:)** Take care, x

_**Coming up in Chapter 6: **_Last chapter. Jesse and Suze meet by his grave...and Jesse _finally_ gets to say what he has been wanting to, since their first kiss...


	6. Chapter 6

**_Disclaimer:_** Please see first chapter for disclaimer. Song lyrics are not mine.

**_Rating:_** T

**_A/N: _**Phew. This was my third try with this chapter. I just couldn't seem to get my rhythm at the beginning. I did eventually, but it was a toughie. Good news, is that I'm LOVIN' the end part **;) **I was practically crying writing it. The tears were definitely there. You'll understand why when you read it **:D** I hope it was what you expected and wanted. What you deserved.

I just wanna say a gigantic thank you to you all. For reading, reviewing and being the best kind of confidence boost, anyone could ever have. **_THANK YOU! _**I hope you enjoy this last chapter. Huggles, Cookies and Chocolate to you all!

_**Recap: **_Jesse stands vigil over his grave, but it's not long before he is graced with his Love's presence. Thus enabling him to finally say what he has wanted, without any interruption's . . ._**

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_**The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear, and I don't know the reason, why you brought me here. But just because you love me, the way that you do, I'm gonna walk through the valley, if you want me too . . .**_

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Chapter 6...

I wandered around aimlessly once I left Susannah's home. The look in her eyes and stance haunting me wherever I went. The defeat and will to fight swept away from her. Her eyes were unemotional and blank. As if she was feeling nothing. Just numbness. The same sentiments I wished to take a hold of my own mind. The guilt of what I had done, how I had treated Susannah was bearing down on me more, with each second that passed by. Making my shoulders slump in dejection and weariness.

The thought of going to the rectory where I would be spending the rest of my 'life' was daunting and unappealing to me. I couldn't go to somewhere that was to be reserved for quietness and peace. My thoughts and emotions were far from quiet, try as I might to dull them. And the peace was something, I had a feeling I wouldn't be accepting for a while to come. But the need to be alone was too strong to ignore. I could only let my guilt swarm my thoughts, leaving me feeling more and more disconnected.

I had thought I would never witness Susannah crumble and wither. And I knew in part, it was all my fault. I had broken her heart. Deigning to believe I could of given her my love, believing it to be enough. But these past few days and weeks were just a testament to the fact I couldn't and never would. Paul Slater had risen my fears and doubts and thrown them in my face. Taking pleasure from watching me suffer. But more importantly, watching the girl he claims to care about, suffer more.

He had gotten to me the only way he could. By going through Susannah.

I had to shut my eyes against the pain trying to resurface at the memory of his words to me. _"Tell me something, Jesse. Does she sigh when you kiss her, too?"_ I knew,the only person I had to blame for that, is myself. Because I had all but sent Susannah running into Slater's clutches. I had kissed her, sending and speaking without words, of the love and devotion I have for Susannah. Giving her what I believe to be false hope and dreams. I never spoke with her about it again. The humiliation of what I had made her go through, and the affliction that would of been casted down onto us both, was too undeniable to bare.

I knew I had pushed Susannah away. Believing at the time, that all that was needed between us was the distance. But I had pushed her so far, she had seeked comfort from another. And not just anyone, but Paul Slater. The same person who has her gifts. Who can understand, relate and give Susannah everything I can't.

My anger and hatred from last night, that had been fuelling my actions had been directed at myself more than anyone. The words he muttered being the final thing to send me over the edge and lose control completely. Destroying parts of Susannah's home in the process. Lashing out at the one person, I knew had been my catalyst. The hate and loathing I have for Slater is justified and powerful. And I had used that to my advantage last night. His defiance and arrogance at each turn making me feel more and more worthless.

But the guilt for what we had done, was intensifying with the thought of the damage I may have done to Susannah's chance of a normal life. I hadn't seen anything last night, other than Slater. The murderous rage to overcome me was blinding my thoughts and my vision. Blocking out the noise of the party and the guest all around us. Of the dozens of people that go to school with Susannah - watching - horrified and shocked at an unseen force hitting and throwing Slater around. At watching Susannah shout to an unknown person, determined on making Slater suffer the same hurt and pain I was inflicting upon myself, with each day I spent with Susannah.

The knowledge of the normal life Susannah had been thriving to maintain, may have been blown to pieces with my actions. I was already causing problems to Susannah's life, without directly trying. The blame I feel, I knew was not felt by Slater. That he would feel he had nothing to be sorry for. I beg to differ though.

I had gone to visit Susannah, one last time. To say good-bye. To wish her all the happiness I was walking away to grant her. I had been so close to telling her how I feel. To voicing how much I care for her. And once again, we were interrupted and thrown apart. Fate seeming to intervene at each and every turn. But the most terrifying thing, was I knew I needed to return to Susannah once again. To apologize profusely. To try and clear the shroud draped over her frame and mind. I couldn't walk away and leave it the way I had.

Not like the mistake I did, when I kissed her. Of the embrace I can't forget or regret, no matter how hard I try. As much as I knew it was how I should feel. I would and could never feel remorse for my actions that day. Because I knew, if nothing else, then I would at least have the searing memory emblazoned on my mind. A comfort and a curse to bare.

My scattered thoughts and emotions ended up driving me to the one place, I had avoided since it was placed here. My grave. The one thing that is a blatant piece of evidence as to why, Susannah and I could never be together. The words of my name stare back at me in the strong daylight. Glistening and shining for all to see.

_"HERE LIES HECTOR "JESSE" DE SILVA, 1830-1850, BELOVED BROTHER, SON AND FRIEND."_

For the first time, in a hundred and fifty years, I had a final resting place. Somewhere that spoke of my time in history where I once walked the earth with the living and my family. Where I was as happy and content as I could possible be. Safe and secure in the knowledge of the love and security I had with the people in my life. The bond and closeness I shared with my parents and my beloved sisters. All special to me in there own ways.

All having lived the rest of their lives, never knowing of what happened to their only son and only brother. I know they never would have believe the claims that I would of shirked my duty and run away from my responsibilities to follow the gold rush. That I would never abandon my family, no matter how much money was to be found and made. The happiness I had when being with my mother, father and sisters, was too priceless to be denied.

I take comfort that they know this. But still feel the ache and twinge, knowing they would of questioned my sudden disappearance. Spending the rest of their lives, looking for a clue. Or a grave. Finding none, until now.

I stared down at the marker that bears my name and tells of a story no-one knows of. At the grave and tombstone, that tells of the reason I shouldn't be in love with Susannah. A vivid piece of evidence, that is doing nothing to dissuade the power and the strength of my emotions towards her.

As I feel the sun beating down on my back, a sudden tingling on the edges of my senses makes me aware of another presence with me. Of another person's gaze boring into me. Lifting my head from the bold, black words innocently gazing up at me, I swept my eyes over the silent and empty graveyard. My sight sweeping over the many headstones. Some old and withered, covered in green moss and weeds. Neglected and forgotten over time. Bent at odd angles from my view.

My gaze continued as I looked over the newer gravestones. The solid marble shining in the sun, the flaws and scars running through the cool stone reminding me of my stay in the shadowland. Of the strength of the towering columns. The closest thing to moving on, I had ever been too.

It was as my sight swept over these stones, covered in brightly coloured flowers and arrangements, that I saw him. The outline of his frame, silhouetted against the sun, with only a slight view of his spectral glow. Denying me the chance of seeing his face and eyes. As if hearing my curiosity, the clouds slowly but surely drew across the sun, blocking its path to shine directly onto the lone man, standing at the edge of the graveyard. His eyes - unseeing to me - still boring into my own. Painfully and slowly, the shade crept up his legs and torso, slithering across his chest and lower face. Before finally covering his entire frame, face included. Making it more apparent that he was a spirit.

Only then did I have the opportunity to look deeper at the person at such a far distance. He was an elderly man, his hair a stark white, standing out further against the tan of his face. It was cropped short with a wave passing through. His expression told of nothing, just emotionless and strong. His eyes like obsidian and seeming to darken further upon noticing my own scrutinising of him.

There was something about the way he held himself, proud and full of strength, that reminded me of someone of long ago. But my mind is too weary to try and clasp onto the image, floating before my mind. Evading my try at grasping it. Fluttering off to the distant part of my mind, sure to never rise again. But just as suddenly as the cloud passes before the sun, it retracts, letting the bright and powerful star, to shine down on the unknown man again.

I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my vision of the white spots dancing before my eyes at the intensity of the sun. But when I have regained my sight back, the lone man is gone from me. His spectral glow and hard stare no longer bearing down on me. I feel a faint shiver run through me, wondering who the man could have been. And just how long he had been observing me for. But I was too battle worn and tired to hold to the thought for long.

Turning back to my grave, I continued to keep a silent vigil of where my physical body resigns. Hoping my mind would give me a reprieve for a short time. To ease on the ache building in my chest, begging to be released some way. I could hear the faint sounds of music and laughter coming from the Mission courtyard. The feast of Junipero Serra well underway it seemed. But the happy voices and laughter washed right by me. Neglecting to fill some of the void, the sounds of happiness normally would have done.

Then like a summer breeze sweeping over my arms and face, ruffling my hair and tingling and enticing my senses, I could feel another person approaching me. This time I had no need to look up to see who it is. My mind and heart have already supplied me with the answer.

Susannah.

Her footsteps were heavy and laden as she made her way towards me. Slowly creeping up the gravel pitted path, leading to my gravestone. I silently wonder if she knew I would be here, or if this was just a place she came to be. Deciding I didn't care, I just wanted to enjoy the familiar sensations, I let the warmth rush over me at knowing she is here. Fully absorbing it into me. Desperate to not let it go. To pull the feelings and sensations around me like a safety blanket. Letting it ease and my torture for a short time.

I feel her come to a silent stop beside me, looking down at my grave, reading over the same words I have been doing since I arrived here. Moving as if to not disturb the ripple of air around us, I held out my hand, palm up for Susannah to slip her much smaller and soft hand into my own. Entwining our fingers together and clasping onto them like a lifeline.

For minutes or seconds, we stood side by side, neither speaking, neither moving. The sounds and noise of the distant courtyard don't penetrate the quiet bubble we seem to have around us. Repelling anyone and anything from us. Just two silent souls looking down upon a grave that had waited to be placed for a century and a half. My grip on her hand seems to tighten with each passing second. Wanting to hold on for as long as I can. To keep our connection. Unwilling and not wanting to let her go, should I suddenly find myself afloat and without saving.

Finally breaking the quiet mould around us, I speak, my voice coming out distant and lonely. "I'm sorry," I murmur, looking up into her emerald gaze staring just as intently into my own. Apologising for all that I couldn't say. For the fight, for the damage, for the pain and the suffering inflicted on us both. For not having the courage to do or say, what should be said. "About everything."

Looking away from my stare, Susannah looked back down at the earth surrounding my headstone and grave. Shrugging non-committed at my weak apology. "I understand I guess." She replied, just as quietly. Even though her words contradicted her sentiments. "I mean you can't help it if you . . . well, don't feel the same way about me as I do about you."

Taken aback by the words spoken so softly and innocently between us, I felt my grip on my emotions start to slip ever increasingly more. Knowing that if I lost them now, I would never be able to turn my back on them again. That there would be no way for me to back down. The sudden knowledge that Susannah believed I wanted to leave, made them rise brokenly to my throat. Evidently making themselves known when I spoke.

"Is that what you think?" I exclaimed, the pent-up emotions so close to the surface, I could feel them choking me. Rising, quicker and faster than I was able to control. "That I _wanted_ to leave?"

Whipping her head back around to stare at me, equally as shocked and taken aback as I was at her own words. "Didn't you?" I could hear the hope rising in her voice, and the light dare to ignite in her eyes. Creeping reluctantly forward with each second.

"How could I stay?" I asked her, my voice trembling minutely, but I couldn't find it in me to care any longer. So tired of hurting and suffering. So tired of not being able to say what I so desired to scream and shout to the heavens and the fates. "After what happened between us, Susannah, how could I stay?"

She stared back at me, confused and bewildered by my words. "What happened between us? Jesse what do you mean?"

Against my better judgement, but knowing I was losing my control faster than I could withstand, I let go on Susannah's hand, sending her stumbling back a few steps before she regained her balance. "That kiss." I exclaimed again, my words cracking and breaking with each breath. I furiously ran my shaking and trembling hands through my hair, turning away from the realizations burning in Susannah's eyes.

"How could I stay?" I continued painfully. "Father Dominic was right. You need to be with someone your family and your friends can actually _see_. You need to be with someone who can grow old with you. You need to be with someone _alive_.

Looking very intently at me, Susannah issued to me an answer that was the perfect blend between happiness, laughter and complete faith. Gracing me with a smile so secure and right, letting it shine through her eyes, creating her emerald gaze to shine and sparkle. I saw in them something, I never imagined being witnessed or directed at _me. _It held confidence and reassurance. Finality and a blistering happiness, I dared to hope to come alive in my own soul.

Then Susannah finally said the words I have been craving to hear, since the day I abruptly left her room, our soul shattering kiss and our love behind.

"Jesse," She softly spoke, making my skin tingle and a shiver run down my spine. I could feel all the hairs on my arm raise and my heart start fluttering in my chest. Unable to deny looking at her when she caused such a reaction in me, I raised my eyes to her own, feeling my world come apart in her eyes with the look I saw there. "I don't care about any of that. That kiss . . . that kiss was the best thing that ever happened to me."

Before I even had time to assimilate her answer and let it seep in, or had time to think about what I was doing, I cupped Susannah's face in my hands once again, answering her own love filled gaze with my own. Giving her all the need, temptation and trust I could bestow upon her, before I laid my own smiling lips to Susannah's. Capturing her mouth and her sigh with my own. The kiss we shared was fervent and eager, shaking us both with it's intensity and passion. I gave her all that I could. Letting the swell and rising tide of happiness that was shooting sparks throughout my body, into Susannah. Giving her every ounce of love I have for her, showing and telling Susannah what she does and always will, mean to me.

My skin tingled and shivered wherever her hand traced and scraped. Teasing my senses with the soft caress her fingers were making, dancing up my neck to play with the curls at the back of my head. To her smooth palm creeping and sliding up my chest to climb slowly over my shoulder and join it's partner. My skin burnt and flushed wherever her hands touched. Making me pull her closer still, meshing our bodies together and pulling her flush against my chest. My own hands settling across her back, with my palms flat and my fingers needing.

Deeper and deeper we went. The world falling away around us, leaving nothing but the sounds of our breathing and Susannah's soft sighs between us, until eventually our kiss slowed and stopped. Leaving me pecking her lips with my own, before pulling away and looking down into the eyes that held the stars.

Resting my forehead to hers, I looked down into Susannah's heart and soul. Looking and finding all that I was searching for. The love that I had wanted to feel and see for so long, was right before me, held secure and safely in my arms. Her grip and pressure just as fierce and tight as my own. Our breathing heavy and our grins were wide and bright. Blinding us both, but uncaring.

Letting my own drop into a soft smile, I let all that I could feel and not describe into my eyes. Seeing Susannah's glisten in return. I leaned into her touch, feeling our connection strengthen and build. Using this as my perfect opportunity and knowing I would regret it if I didn't. I finally said the words I had wanted to murmur to Susannah at long last.

"I love you, _querida."_

It was hard to tell who's tears belonged to who after that. They flowed so free and happily down both our cheeks, mingling together telling of the affection and neverending love we couldn't contain or express. I didn't ever want to break away from it. All I knew, was that I held the love of a lifetime in my arms, and nothing and no-one could take her away from me now . . .

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**_Cause I'm not who I was, when I took my first step, and I'm clinging to the promise, you're not through with me yet. So if all of these trials, bring me closer to you, then I will walk through the fire, if you want me to . . ._**

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_**A/N 2:**_ The song lyrics are by _Ginny Owens_ - _'If You Want Me To'_. Thanks for reading, please review **:)** See ya at the last book! **:Waves: **Toodles!

**_Anonymous Reviews:_**

**_Meg - _**Lol, thank you! I'm glad you liked it **:) **It was definitely fun to write, hehe. I hope you enjoy this last chapter, and thank you so much for still sticking by the series. Keep rocking! Take care, x

_**Coming up in the 6th and final story: **_Jesse thinks over all that has happened in the past few weeks, including his time with Suze and his move into the rectory with Spike . . .


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